In mourning

My beloved computer, my faithful friend, has died today. I was happily playing Runes of Magic this morning when there was a flash and a huge clap of thunder. I immediately shut down the computer and unplugged everything. As it happened, the storm came to nothing. One flash and one clap and it was over. About an hour later I plugged it back in and hit the power button. It started well, with the usual whiz of the fan but within seconds everything stopped and nothing I did could coax it to work again.

I assume that the power supply unit has gone. I don't think it will cost much to fix but Mark is already talking about replacing it with a brand new laptop. I miss my computer already though.

I'm feeling much more positive this morning. Lots of housework to be getting on with. I know it's not spring yet, but the house could definitely do with a big spring clean! Back to the ironing in a bit, I'm sure the pile can't be as bottomless as it seems!

Feeling pretty down today and I can't pinpoint why. New year, new start - so why does it feel like same old same old?

Psychic?

Last night I went for a card reading at a friend's house. I hadn't planned it in advance but it's something I've always wanted to do so I couldn't resist when the opportunity arose.

I don't really believe in these things, I think it's more cold reading than messages from the other side, but it was interesting to hear what he had to say.

First thing was that he had a spirit of a woman with him. He said she was short and stocky. Obviously that could easily describe a lot of people, but I immediately thought of my nan (dad's mum). My sister had a reading straight after me and although he didn't know we were sisters, she said he described nan to her too.

Anyway, I pretty much just wanted to make a record of some of the things he said so that I can look back on it later. In no particular order:

The past is the past. I need to put it behind me and forget about it. It doesn't matter how much I've been hurt, I need to focus on the future. It's like a book, just because I've read it, doesn't mean that I need to keep it.

The work I'm doing now is fine, but I need to push it to the next level and think bigger.

Apparently, nan doesn't like my house and wants me to move. There will be an opportunity soon for me to move about 30-40 miles away and I'm going to want to take it (obviously nan didn't mention agoraphobia!)

On the subject of children, it will happen, but not until I'm settled into my new place. I should limit myself to just one more because I have so much to cram into the future that there won't be time for everything if I have more.

There's a qualification I need to get me to the work I want to do in the future. I should stop putting it off and enrol for college as soon as possible.

I only ever do half a job. I start things but never finish them.

I need to learn to drive. It will be vital for my job in the future.

I know where I want to be in life, and the only person holding me back is myself.

I need to be more daring in the way I dress.

I need to take charge more in my relationship.

I don't always get the support I need so I need to ask for more.

I put up walls to stop people getting in and I need to learn to lower my defences.

I need to change my hair colour, nan doesn't like it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

That's all I can think of for now. If I think of anything else I will add it later. I'm sure I've missed a lot.

I'm taking it all with a pinch of salt. A lot of what he said was pretty general stuff which could apply to anyone, but there were one or two things which were pretty much spot on. He never once mentioned anxiety or agoraphobia though which is obviously a major factor in my life at the moment! Still, it will be interesting to see if any of his predictions come true.

Meme

1. Started your own blog - Yep, although I'm not very good at keeping it updated!

2. Slept under the stars - No. Been camping loads of times but I've never slept out in the open.

3. Played in a band - I played glockenspiel, treble recorder and tenor recorder in the primary school orchestra - does that count? I couldn't play a single one of them now though!

4. Visited Hawaii - Nope.

5. Watched a meteor shower - I only remember one. I'd been to the cinema and we took a detour afterwards to the airport, where there was less light pollution, to watch the meteors.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity - No

7. Been to Disney World - No, but I'd love to take the girls one day, even if it's only the one in Paris.

8. Climbed a mountain - Well, I've hiked up one or two, never actually climbed.

9. Held a praying mantis - Nope. Never even seen one.

10. Sang a solo - No, and no one would want me to!

11. Bungee jumped - Would have loved to once upon a time, but doubt I'd be brave enough now.

12. Visited Paris - Yes, with college when I was 17. It was amazing. The only time I've ever left the UK.

13. Watched a lightning storm - Of course. I developed a bit of a fear of them a few years ago (probably a side effect of agoraphobia) but I've started to love them again now.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Cross stitch, crochet, card making. I learnt from books and online resources, but that counts, right? Next thing I plan to try is temari.

15. Adopted a child - No, and I don't plan to. If Mark and I don't get to have a child together we're happy with the four we already have.

16. Had food poisoning - No, thankfully not.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - Nope.

18. Grown your own vegetables - Sort of. I have spring onions and red onions growing out the back now. I have no idea if they'll be successful though - I'm not very green fingered!

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - No. I went to an art gallery in Paris called Musee de l'Orangerie and saw some amazing Monet's, but we didn't go to the Louvre.

20. Slept on an overnight train - No. Been up as far as Aberdeen by train, but all my train journeys have been by day.

21. Had a pillow fight - Plenty.

22. Hitch hiked - Nope.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - Many more than I should have, and lost one or two jobs because of it...

24. Built a snow fort - It's not like we ever get enough snow here.

25. Held a lamb - No.

26. Gone skinny dipping - Nope.

27. Run a Marathon - No, but it's on my to do list. I'm not sure I'll ever be fit enough, but I'd like to do it one day.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - No, never been to Venice.

29. Seen a total eclipse - Sort of. It wasn't quite total from Cardiff, but it was still impressive.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - Many, many, many times. I saw a beautiful sunrise a couple of days ago. The sun was orange :)

31. Hit a home run - The few times I was forced to play baseball in school, I was pathetically bad. I don't think the bat made contact with the ball once. Team sports were never my thing.

32. Been on a cruise - No, but I'd like to one day.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - No, but again I'd quite like to.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - Hmmm... not sure where my ancestors came from, I've not gone far enough back to find any from outside of Britain.

35. Seen an Amish community - No, as far as I know there are none in the UK. I'm very taken with their way of life though, apart from the religious side of things. I think I'd like to live like that.

36. Taught yourself a new language - A little japanese, not much at all really. I learnt several languages in school/college though. Welsh, French, Spanish, Italian. None of them fluent though.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - No, but then does anyone, really?

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - Nope.

39. Gone rock climbing - Not proper rock climbing, but plenty of times around the coast.

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - Nope.

41. Sung karaoke - Plenty of times in friend's houses, only once in a pub. A big group of us got up to do the Time Warp so I did more dancing than singing (thankfully!)

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt - Nope.

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Nope.

44. Visited Africa - Nope.

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - Yes, quite a few times.

46. Been transported in an ambulance - Twice, when I was a teenager, after foolish cries for help :(

47. Had your portrait painted - Yes, by my grandad from a photo of me when I was about three or four. Unfortunately, my dad has the painting now.

48. Gone deep sea fishing - Nope.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - Yes, and it was amazing! :)

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - No, but I would love to.

52. Kissed in the rain - Hmmm... not that I can recall.

53. Played in the mud - Yep!

54. Gone to a drive-in theater - We don't have them here, so no.

55. Been in a movie - Nope.

56. Visited the Great Wall of China - No, but would love to one day.

57. Started a business - Kind of, working as an Avon rep is classed as my own business.

58. Taken a martial arts class - No, but I'd love to take a class one day. Karate, aikido and/or tai chi would be great.

59. Visited Russia - Nope.

60. Served at a soup kitchen - No.

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - No.

62. Gone whale watching - I'd love to, but sadly no.

63. Got flowers for no reason - He hasn't done it much, but Mark has been known to send me flowers 'just because' :D

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - Unfortunately, I've never been able to, for one reason or another. First I was underweight, then I'd had a body piercing, then I'd had children, then anaemia and then the last time I was all ready to go when they asked if I'd been ill recently. I mentioned a sore throat at the weekend and that was the end of that. I plan to try again soon though.

65. Gone sky diving - No, another thing I would have loved to have done when I was younger but doubt I'll ever do now.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - No.

67. Bounced a check - Yes, a few!

68. Flown in a helicopter - Never, but I'd love to!

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - Yes, but unfortunately I lost a lot of my posessions leaving an abusive relationship when I was 19. My mum still has a lot of my old toys though.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - Nope. Think this quiz is more aimed at Americans...

71. Eaten Caviar - Yuck! No thanks!

72. Pieced a quilt - Does this mean made a quilt? I never have, but I might give it a go one day. I'll try anything crafty :)

73. Stood in Times Square - Nope.

74. Toured the Everglades - Nope.

75. Been fired from a job - Several times. See question 23.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - Nope.

77. Broken a bone - Thankfully, no!

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - Nope, and I'll never get on one of those things!

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - Nope

80. Published a book - Nope.

81. Visited the Vatican - No, and I wouldn't want to.

82. Bought a brand new car - I can't drive.

83. Walked in Jerusalem - No, but I walked to Bethlehem for charity - twice!

84. Had your picture in the newspaper - A few times, when I was a child.

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve - Nope.

86. Visited the White House - Nope, and not interested.

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - No

88. Had chickenpox - Yes, when I was about six.

89. Saved someone’s life - No

90. Sat on a jury - I was called for jury service at the height of my agoraphobia so I was unable to attend.

91. Met someone famous - Or at least semi-famous. I used to go to all the radio roadshows I could as a teenager and hang out round the backstage area. I met loads of boy band members that way. Probably the most famous was Sid Owen (Ricky from Eastenders)

92. Joined a book club - No, I love to read, but I prefer to read at my own pace.

93. Got a tattoo - Nope, I'm a wuss. I'd rather go through childbirth again...

94. Had a baby - Yes, two. A couple more would be nice :)

95. Seen the Alamo in person - I never even heard of it until today. After looking it up, I'm not particularly inspired to visit.

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - Nope.

97. Been involved in a law suit - Nope.

98. Owned a cell phone - Just a few... Currently have a HTC Wildfire S and it's my favourite so far. I'm lucky I have a friend who works for T Mobile ;)

99. Been stung by a bee - Never, but I'm still terrified of them. Ironic really since my name means honey bee!

Major update time!

I think by now I might be worthy of an award for 'world's worst blogger'! Seriously, it has been forever since my last update.

When I last posted everything had pretty much fallen apart. I had come off my meds for just a couple of months in the hope that I would soon be pregnant, and it had set me right back to virtually housebound again. I went back on the meds in August but by then it was too late to reverse the damage enough to start the accountancy course I had been looking forward to so much. Shortly after quitting college I turned 30, and at that point I was feeling pretty bleak about my future.

Well, a lot can change in nine months! One of the biggest changes is in my work life. I don't have much in the way of qualifications and pretty much the only thing I have any real experience in is retail. Well, gone are the days when I could spend hours behind a till with no escape to the toilet until my lunch break. Just the thought of that brings me out in a sweat! So I knew I was going to have to look in a different direction. In January I decided to sign up as an Avon Representative. I've now been doing that for about six months and I'm absolutely loving it. Ok, so for the work I put in I don't get a lot of money, but it has been a huge confidence boost for me. Several times a week I have to go out delivering/collecting books and delivering orders every three weeks, even on those days when I'd really rather just stay home and wallow. I'm meeting so many new people from my area and I really love stopping to chat with people when I drop off their orders. I love it so much that I've just signed up as a Trainee Sales Leader so now it's my job to recruit new reps. Part of that means going into town every Tuesday, on market day, and stopping people in the street to see if they might be interested! That's something I never thought I'd have the confidence to do!

Things are going fantastically with Mark. We've been together for about nineteen months now. I couldn't be happier and I've honestly never been in such a wonderful relationship. I finally met his kids back in February and they are absolutely adorable. There's sometimes some tension between his daughter and my girls but I suppose that's to be expected with children that age, and for the most part they get on very well.

We're still hoping to start a family together as soon as possible but it still hasn't happened for us yet. We've been to see the doctor to get the ball rolling there. I've had some blood tests which came back normal. Unfortunately Mark's analysis didn't and he's due another in September to see if there has been any improvement. In the meantime i've given up tracking temperatures and peeing on sticks and have just decided to take it easy. Natural conception will be difficult for us so what's the point of getting stressed about it every month? Unfortunately we've already been told that we definitely won't get funding for IVF as we already have two children each, but there are other options we can try such as medication and IUI (intra uterine insemination) if it becomes necessary. Fingers crossed though, hopefully it won't come to that.

As for the agoraphobia side of things, I'm pretty much back to where I was this time last year before I came off the Prozac. I can walk a couple of miles, catch buses into town and trains into Cardiff. I'm just now starting to push the boundaries a little further. Last week was a major milestone for me when I went to see Avenue Q. I've been wanting to see that show ever since I saw them perform on Children in Need in 2007! At the time I thought I would never be able to make it, but when I heard the tour was coming to Cardiff I knew I had to try. Mark, wonderful boyfriend that he is, bought us second row tickets! I admit, I struggled a little on the day, but there was no way I was missing it, no matter how bad the anxiety got. In the end I made it and I had an absolutely amazing time. Once I was there I had almost no trouble with anxiety. I laughed from start to finish and I would highly recommend the show to anyone who's not easily offended!

Anyway, there's plenty more I could talk about, but I've just spent the last hour typing this on my phone in bed and I think now it's time I got some sleep.

Avenue Q!

I'm going to see Avenue Q this afternoon! Very nervous but excited - I've been wanting to see this show for three years.

I'll post a proper update shortly, but this is the biggest thing I've done in years :)