Stepping out of the box

In mourning

2012-01-02T13:50:00.001Z

My beloved computer, my faithful friend, has died today. I was happily playing Runes of Magic this morning when there was a flash and a huge clap of thunder. I immediately shut down the computer and unplugged everything. As it happened, the storm came to nothing. One flash and one clap and it was over. About an hour later I plugged it back in and hit the power button. It started well, with the usual whiz of the fan but within seconds everything stopped and nothing I did could coax it to work again.

I assume that the power supply unit has gone. I don't think it will cost much to fix but Mark is already talking about replacing it with a brand new laptop. I miss my computer already though.

2012-01-02T10:41:00.001Z

I'm feeling much more positive this morning. Lots of housework to be getting on with. I know it's not spring yet, but the house could definitely do with a big spring clean! Back to the ironing in a bit, I'm sure the pile can't be as bottomless as it seems!

2012-01-01T13:42:00.001Z

Feeling pretty down today and I can't pinpoint why. New year, new start - so why does it feel like same old same old?

Psychic?

2011-07-22T07:33:00.001+01:00

Last night I went for a card reading at a friend's house. I hadn't planned it in advance but it's something I've always wanted to do so I couldn't resist when the opportunity arose.

I don't really believe in these things, I think it's more cold reading than messages from the other side, but it was interesting to hear what he had to say.

First thing was that he had a spirit of a woman with him. He said she was short and stocky. Obviously that could easily describe a lot of people, but I immediately thought of my nan (dad's mum). My sister had a reading straight after me and although he didn't know we were sisters, she said he described nan to her too.

Anyway, I pretty much just wanted to make a record of some of the things he said so that I can look back on it later. In no particular order:

The past is the past. I need to put it behind me and forget about it. It doesn't matter how much I've been hurt, I need to focus on the future. It's like a book, just because I've read it, doesn't mean that I need to keep it.

The work I'm doing now is fine, but I need to push it to the next level and think bigger.

Apparently, nan doesn't like my house and wants me to move. There will be an opportunity soon for me to move about 30-40 miles away and I'm going to want to take it (obviously nan didn't mention agoraphobia!)

On the subject of children, it will happen, but not until I'm settled into my new place. I should limit myself to just one more because I have so much to cram into the future that there won't be time for everything if I have more.

There's a qualification I need to get me to the work I want to do in the future. I should stop putting it off and enrol for college as soon as possible.

I only ever do half a job. I start things but never finish them.

I need to learn to drive. It will be vital for my job in the future.

I know where I want to be in life, and the only person holding me back is myself.

I need to be more daring in the way I dress.

I need to take charge more in my relationship.

I don't always get the support I need so I need to ask for more.

I put up walls to stop people getting in and I need to learn to lower my defences.

I need to change my hair colour, nan doesn't like it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

That's all I can think of for now. If I think of anything else I will add it later. I'm sure I've missed a lot.

I'm taking it all with a pinch of salt. A lot of what he said was pretty general stuff which could apply to anyone, but there were one or two things which were pretty much spot on. He never once mentioned anxiety or agoraphobia though which is obviously a major factor in my life at the moment! Still, it will be interesting to see if any of his predictions come true.

Meme

2011-07-06T08:18:00.007+01:00

1. Started your own blog - Yep, although I'm not very good at keeping it updated!

2. Slept under the stars - No. Been camping loads of times but I've never slept out in the open.

3. Played in a band - I played glockenspiel, treble recorder and tenor recorder in the primary school orchestra - does that count? I couldn't play a single one of them now though!

4. Visited Hawaii - Nope.

5. Watched a meteor shower - I only remember one. I'd been to the cinema and we took a detour afterwards to the airport, where there was less light pollution, to watch the meteors.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity - No

7. Been to Disney World - No, but I'd love to take the girls one day, even if it's only the one in Paris.

8. Climbed a mountain - Well, I've hiked up one or two, never actually climbed.

9. Held a praying mantis - Nope. Never even seen one.

10. Sang a solo - No, and no one would want me to!

11. Bungee jumped - Would have loved to once upon a time, but doubt I'd be brave enough now.

12. Visited Paris - Yes, with college when I was 17. It was amazing. The only time I've ever left the UK.

13. Watched a lightning storm - Of course. I developed a bit of a fear of them a few years ago (probably a side effect of agoraphobia) but I've started to love them again now.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Cross stitch, crochet, card making. I learnt from books and online resources, but that counts, right? Next thing I plan to try is temari.

15. Adopted a child - No, and I don't plan to. If Mark and I don't get to have a child together we're happy with the four we already have.

16. Had food poisoning - No, thankfully not.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - Nope.

18. Grown your own vegetables - Sort of. I have spring onions and red onions growing out the back now. I have no idea if they'll be successful though - I'm not very green fingered!

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - No. I went to an art gallery in Paris called Musee de l'Orangerie and saw some amazing Monet's, but we didn't go to the Louvre.

20. Slept on an overnight train - No. Been up as far as Aberdeen by train, but all my train journeys have been by day.

21. Had a pillow fight - Plenty.

22. Hitch hiked - Nope.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - Many more than I should have, and lost one or two jobs because of it...

24. Built a snow fort - It's not like we ever get enough snow here.

25. Held a lamb - No.

26. Gone skinny dipping - Nope.

27. Run a Marathon - No, but it's on my to do list. I'm not sure I'll ever be fit enough, but I'd like to do it one day.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - No, never been to Venice.

29. Seen a total eclipse - Sort of. It wasn't quite total from Cardiff, but it was still impressive.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - Many, many, many times. I saw a beautiful sunrise a couple of days ago. The sun was orange :)

31. Hit a home run - The few times I was forced to play baseball in school, I was pathetically bad. I don't think the bat made contact with the ball once. Team sports were never my thing.

32. Been on a cruise - No, but I'd like to one day.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - No, but again I'd quite like to.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - Hmmm... not sure where my ancestors came from, I've not gone far enough back to find any from outside of Britain.

35. Seen an Amish community - No, as far as I know there are none in the UK. I'm very taken with their way of life though, apart from the religious side of things. I think I'd like to live like that.

36. Taught yourself a new language - A little japanese, not much at all really. I learnt several languages in school/college though. Welsh, French, Spanish, Italian. None of them fluent though.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - No, but then does anyone, really?

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - Nope.

39. Gone rock climbing - Not proper rock climbing, but plenty of times around the coast.

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - Nope.

41. Sung karaoke - Plenty of times in friend's houses, only once in a pub. A big group of us got up to do the Time Warp so I did more dancing than singing (thankfully!)

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt - Nope.

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Nope.

44. Visited Africa - Nope.

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - Yes, quite a few times.

46. Been transported in an ambulance - Twice, when I was a teenager, after foolish cries for help :(

47. Had your portrait painted - Yes, by my grandad from a photo of me when I was about three or four. Unfortunately, my dad has the painting now.

48. Gone deep sea fishing - Nope.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - Yes, and it was amazing! :)

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - No, but I would love to.

52. Kissed in the rain - Hmmm... not that I can recall.

53. Played in the mud - Yep!

54. Gone to a drive-in theater - We don't have them here, so no.

55. Been in a movie - Nope.

56. Visited the Great Wall of China - No, but would love to one day.

57. Started a business - Kind of, working as an Avon rep is classed as my own business.

58. Taken a martial arts class - No, but I'd love to take a class one day. Karate, aikido and/or tai chi would be great.

59. Visited Russia - Nope.

60. Served at a soup kitchen - No.

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - No.

62. Gone whale watching - I'd love to, but sadly no.

63. Got flowers for no reason - He hasn't done it much, but Mark has been known to send me flowers 'just because' :D

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - Unfortunately, I've never been able to, for one reason or another. First I was underweight, then I'd had a body piercing, then I'd had children, then anaemia and then the last time I was all ready to go when they asked if I'd been ill recently. I mentioned a sore throat at the weekend and that was the end of that. I plan to try again soon though.

65. Gone sky diving - No, another thing I would have loved to have done when I was younger but doubt I'll ever do now.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - No.

67. Bounced a check - Yes, a few!

68. Flown in a helicopter - Never, but I'd love to!

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - Yes, but unfortunately I lost a lot of my posessions leaving an abusive relationship when I was 19. My mum still has a lot of my old toys though.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - Nope. Think this quiz is more aimed at Americans...

71. Eaten Caviar - Yuck! No thanks!

72. Pieced a quilt - Does this mean made a quilt? I never have, but I might give it a go one day. I'll try anything crafty :)

73. Stood in Times Square - Nope.

74. Toured the Everglades - Nope.

75. Been fired from a job - Several times. See question 23.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - Nope.

77. Broken a bone - Thankfully, no!

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - Nope, and I'll never get on one of those things!

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - Nope

80. Published a book - Nope.

81. Visited the Vatican - No, and I wouldn't want to.

82. Bought a brand new car - I can't drive.

83. Walked in Jerusalem - No, but I walked to Bethlehem for charity - twice!

84. Had your picture in the newspaper - A few times, when I was a child.

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve - Nope.

86. Visited the White House - Nope, and not interested.

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - No

88. Had chickenpox - Yes, when I was about six.

89. Saved someone’s life - No

90. Sat on a jury - I was called for jury service at the height of my agoraphobia so I was unable to attend.

91. Met someone famous - Or at least semi-famous. I used to go to all the radio roadshows I could as a teenager and hang out round the backstage area. I met loads of boy band members that way. Probably the most famous was Sid Owen (Ricky from Eastenders)

92. Joined a book club - No, I love to read, but I prefer to read at my own pace.

93. Got a tattoo - Nope, I'm a wuss. I'd rather go through childbirth again...

94. Had a baby - Yes, two. A couple more would be nice :)

95. Seen the Alamo in person - I never even heard of it until today. After looking it up, I'm not particularly inspired to visit.

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - Nope.

97. Been involved in a law suit - Nope.

98. Owned a cell phone - Just a few... Currently have a HTC Wildfire S and it's my favourite so far. I'm lucky I have a friend who works for T Mobile ;)

99. Been stung by a bee - Never, but I'm still terrified of them. Ironic really since my name means honey bee!

Major update time!

2011-06-26T22:52:00.001+01:00

I think by now I might be worthy of an award for 'world's worst blogger'! Seriously, it has been forever since my last update.

When I last posted everything had pretty much fallen apart. I had come off my meds for just a couple of months in the hope that I would soon be pregnant, and it had set me right back to virtually housebound again. I went back on the meds in August but by then it was too late to reverse the damage enough to start the accountancy course I had been looking forward to so much. Shortly after quitting college I turned 30, and at that point I was feeling pretty bleak about my future.

Well, a lot can change in nine months! One of the biggest changes is in my work life. I don't have much in the way of qualifications and pretty much the only thing I have any real experience in is retail. Well, gone are the days when I could spend hours behind a till with no escape to the toilet until my lunch break. Just the thought of that brings me out in a sweat! So I knew I was going to have to look in a different direction. In January I decided to sign up as an Avon Representative. I've now been doing that for about six months and I'm absolutely loving it. Ok, so for the work I put in I don't get a lot of money, but it has been a huge confidence boost for me. Several times a week I have to go out delivering/collecting books and delivering orders every three weeks, even on those days when I'd really rather just stay home and wallow. I'm meeting so many new people from my area and I really love stopping to chat with people when I drop off their orders. I love it so much that I've just signed up as a Trainee Sales Leader so now it's my job to recruit new reps. Part of that means going into town every Tuesday, on market day, and stopping people in the street to see if they might be interested! That's something I never thought I'd have the confidence to do!

Things are going fantastically with Mark. We've been together for about nineteen months now. I couldn't be happier and I've honestly never been in such a wonderful relationship. I finally met his kids back in February and they are absolutely adorable. There's sometimes some tension between his daughter and my girls but I suppose that's to be expected with children that age, and for the most part they get on very well.

We're still hoping to start a family together as soon as possible but it still hasn't happened for us yet. We've been to see the doctor to get the ball rolling there. I've had some blood tests which came back normal. Unfortunately Mark's analysis didn't and he's due another in September to see if there has been any improvement. In the meantime i've given up tracking temperatures and peeing on sticks and have just decided to take it easy. Natural conception will be difficult for us so what's the point of getting stressed about it every month? Unfortunately we've already been told that we definitely won't get funding for IVF as we already have two children each, but there are other options we can try such as medication and IUI (intra uterine insemination) if it becomes necessary. Fingers crossed though, hopefully it won't come to that.

As for the agoraphobia side of things, I'm pretty much back to where I was this time last year before I came off the Prozac. I can walk a couple of miles, catch buses into town and trains into Cardiff. I'm just now starting to push the boundaries a little further. Last week was a major milestone for me when I went to see Avenue Q. I've been wanting to see that show ever since I saw them perform on Children in Need in 2007! At the time I thought I would never be able to make it, but when I heard the tour was coming to Cardiff I knew I had to try. Mark, wonderful boyfriend that he is, bought us second row tickets! I admit, I struggled a little on the day, but there was no way I was missing it, no matter how bad the anxiety got. In the end I made it and I had an absolutely amazing time. Once I was there I had almost no trouble with anxiety. I laughed from start to finish and I would highly recommend the show to anyone who's not easily offended!

Anyway, there's plenty more I could talk about, but I've just spent the last hour typing this on my phone in bed and I think now it's time I got some sleep.

Avenue Q!

2011-06-18T11:47:00.003+01:00

I'm going to see Avenue Q this afternoon! Very nervous but excited - I've been wanting to see this show for three years.

I'll post a proper update shortly, but this is the biggest thing I've done in years :)

Time to conquer the school run!

2010-09-30T07:42:00.001+01:00

After yesterday's blast of negativity (sorry about that) I'm feeling a little more positive. The girls have been back in school for nearly four weeks and my continuing anxiety over the school run is getting ridiculous. This morning Mark is going to walk with us to make sure Evie gets to school on time and I plan to devote the rest of the day to overcoming my fears. I will walk to the school and back as many times as it takes to make it feel normal again. I will NOT be defeated by this any longer!

Falling apart

2010-09-29T14:07:00.001+01:00

I quit college after the first week. I didn't even make it through a whole day there. I should have known it would be too much for me. I was foolish to enrol in the first place.

I'm barely leaving the house at all at the moment. Even the school runs are still a nightmare. Far from getting easier, they're just getting harder and harder.

I feel queasy a lot of the time and it's driving me mad. Most days all I do is sit in the bedroom and read, watch tv or play computer games. I just don't have the energy or the motivation for much else.

I picked Evie up from school yesterday and she was in a state. Her eczema, which had been no worse than usual in the morning, had become infected. Her knees and elbows were covered in large, white, pus filled spots. She had a fever and couldn't stop shivering and crying. She obviously needed to see a doctor but I couldn't take her myself, and Mark was at his parents' house so I had to enlist the help of my sister. The doctor thought about sending her to hospital but thankfully sent her home with some cream and antibiotics and said to ring Primecare if she got any worse. Thankfully she got better very quickly and is currently enjoying the luxury of an extra day off school.

Mark hasn't been able to see his children for nearly three months. Despite the court decision going in his favour in July, his ex is refusing to comply. Mark is, of course, deeply distressed about this. He has days where I have to tiptoe around him for fear that the wrong word will cause him to bite my head off. I don't blame him, of course. I can't possibly imagine how hard it must be to have your children taken from you. He goes on fighting but it's stressful for us all.

Money is beyond tight. Mark hasn't been able to find a job yet and I'm in no fit state to look for one right now. We both have debts from before we met and there just isn't enough to cover everything. Today Mark has suggested it might be a good idea for him to move back to his parents' house. I can't bear to think about that right now. He regularly stays there once, sometimes twice, a week and I miss him terribly when he is gone. It will be very difficult for both of us to be separated if he needs to move back.

All in all, it's difficult to feel positive about life right now. I turn thirty next week but I really don't feel much like celebrating. A few months ago my life had so much promise. Now it's all falling apart around me.

Like a yoyo

2010-09-05T13:42:00.001+01:00

My head is all over the place at the moment. I’m three weeks back on the Prozac and it’s not getting any easier yet. One minute I’m fine and feeling like I’m almost back to normal, the next minute I’m panicking over literally nothing. Right now my anxiety level is about a seven and all I’m doing is sitting at my computer writing a blog post – I should be totally relaxed right now.

I hit my lowest point since the agoraphobia began on Tuesday. I forced myself to go into town thinking that I should be able to just push on through the fear and carry on anyway. The bus journey was very difficult, but somehow I managed to hold it together and make it there. It was only when I got off the bus that I remembered that Tuesday was market day and the town centre was packed. I attempted to carry on regardless but I was unable to relax at all. In fact, as the time went on I was getting more and more anxious. After about an hour I gave up and decided to call it a day.

I caught the next bus, but traffic going through town was virtually at a standstill. The panic rose and all I could think was “I have to get off this bus – now!” I asked the driver to let me off but he refused to do so until we got to the next stop. An anxious minute or two later (but it felt like much longer) I got off the bus and walked to the leisure centre. I thought that sitting in the pool spectator area with the sound and smell of the water would help to relax me as that has worked in the past. It didn’t help.

I had a huge panic attack. I was stuck in town alone with Paige and Evie and I couldn’t calm down and I couldn’t get home. I didn’t know what to do as wave after wave of panic crashed over me. I think I wandered aimlessly around the leisure centre for about half an hour or so and the whole time I just seemed to be getting into more and more of a state. I tried calling someone to give me a lift but I couldn’t get hold of anyone who could help me. To say I was terrified would be an understatement. I can feel the anxiety rising now just thinking about it.

In the end I had to admit that I needed help. Normally I do whatever I can to hide my anxiety from the outside world, but on this occasion I knew that I just couldn’t cope with it alone. This is the first time ever that I have been so anxious that I have had to ask a total stranger for help. I went to reception and told the lady there what was happening. I was taken through to the first aid room and joined shortly by a very understanding member of staff – I’ll call her Jane. She talked to me and helped to distract me and calm me down. She even offered me a lift home. I thanked her but told her I couldn’t possibly put her out like that. I planned to get a taxi as soon as I felt calm enough to do so.

Unfortunately though, every time I started to feel calmer I would think about calling a taxi and my anxiety level rocketed again. It was clear to me that a taxi was going to be very difficult for me to cope with. Eventually I accepted Jane’s very kind offer of a lift home. I was embarrassed to have to rely so heavily on a stranger for help but Jane had shown me great kindness and understanding. She was so chatty and friendly that she really helped me to feel more at ease. She brought me home and talked to me the whole way and although I felt anxious the journey was a lot easier than I had expected. I don’t know how I would have coped without Jane. She was my saviour that day.

The next day Mark went into town and took a box of chocolates to give to Jane.We both felt that her wonderful kindness should be rewarded. I’m not sure that many people would show such compassion to a complete stranger.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday was a better day. It was college enrolment day and I really didn’t think I could possibly make it after Tuesday’s events but I knew I had to try. Miss enrolment and I would have to wait a whole year to start my accountancy course. I had originally planned to try to catch the bus there, but this was now not going to be possible. Especially not when I would have to catch two buses each way.

I arranged instead for my mum to pick me up when she finished work. She arrived at 6pm which gave me just one hour to get there and complete enrolment. Astonishingly, although I was a nervous wreck for most of the day, I made it there and managed to enrol with almost no trouble at all. I managed to make it through the journey, filling in all the forms and chatting with the course tutor, student services etc with very little anxiety in the end. I was on a real high by the time I left and Mark was over the moon when I got home and told him I’d done it.

So now I’m officially a college student again. Just part time this time, one day a week. My first day is Monday 13th September, 9am-4pm. That’s going to be a long day. Right now I honestly don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it through, but again I know I have to try. The girls go back to school on Tuesday so I’m going to get a weekly bus ticket and start getting used to travelling by bus again. Perhaps I will have to get a taxi to college and back the first couple of times. I’m hoping that the first day will just be ice breakers and paperwork and hopefully will end early. I’m sure after the first couple of weeks it will soon start to feel normal to me, I’ll just have to tough it out until then, I guess.

Today I’m working on the school run. In two days time I need to be able to get Evie there and back. At the moment I can make it about halfway. I just hope I can do it by Tuesday.

Feeling a little more human

2010-08-27T17:13:00.001+01:00

Today is the first day in a while that I haven’t felt totally exhausted and nauseous. I actually slept for six hours straight last night, instead of waking up at stupid o’clock. My appetite seems to be returning. I haven’t wanted to spend the whole day in bed. I’ve actually gotten up and gone for a walk. Ok, so it was only round the block – but it got us out for a few minutes and I didn’t feel anxious about it at all. I’m actually starting to feel a little more myself again. I hope that this is me starting to settle back on the Prozac. If it is, it’s happened much quicker than I expected. I guess the next thing is to start building up to going out more again now.

2010-08-26T05:10:00.001+01:00

Probably the most irritating thing about being back on the Prozac is finding myself wide awake at stupid o’clock in the morning. I toss and turn half the night, and then spend most of the day wishing I could go back to bed.

I’m not really getting out at the moment. The weather’s not helping. It’s like monsoon season here at the moment. You’d never know it was August. I bet when the kids go back to school in two weeks the sun will be shining again!

My emotions are a bit all over the place. I’ve found myself on the verge of tears quite a few times for no real reason. Most of yesterday I felt quite restless and didn’t really know what to do with myself. Nothing seemed to capture my attention for more than a few minutes and I found myself pacing back and forth like a tiger in a cage. Not that I had any desire to leave my cage.

I suppose it’s not been too bad though. I’ve already gotten through just over a week. Hopefully in another two or three weeks I’ll be feeling a little more like myself again and be able to face the world. It may take me a little while to build back up to what I was doing before, but having done it once, I’m confident I can do it again.

Struggling again…

2010-08-22T11:26:00.001+01:00

About six weeks ago I made a very foolish decision. I had read that Prozac has such a long half life that it’s very rare to experience withdrawal symptoms when stopping taking it. Coupled with the fact that I was living almost normally again and didn’t want to take Prozac through pregnancy if I could help it (no, I’m not pregnant yet) I decided to stop taking it.

In hindsight, I should never have even considered it. At the very least I should have consulted a doctor to see about tapering the dose. We all know what they say about hindsight…

For the first few weeks I was fine. In fact, I felt fantastic. I was continuing to do just as much as I had been doing before, and I was doing it on my own – or so I thought. After a few weeks though, things began to change. I very quickly began to go downhill again. I was anxious on journeys which should have been a breeze for me. Anticipatory anxiety began to make a comeback – something I hadn’t struggled with for a long time. My usual coping techniques were no longer working. I began to experience full on panic attacks again.

For a while I tried to ignore it and carry on as normal, but it soon became apparent I had a tough decision to make. I could carry on fighting and hope that things would improve over time but risk losing all the progress I’d made so far, or I could begin taking Prozac again which would guarantee to make things very difficult for me for the next few weeks but would give me the best chance of a quick recovery.

On Monday I finally chose to go back on the Prozac. I can’t really afford the three to four weeks it’s probably going to put me out of action for, but going without will probably put me out of action for even longer so I don’t really have much choice. The timing is terrible though.

It’s Paige’s birthday on Tuesday and we’re supposed to be going to a science museum in Cardiff but I don’t know how I’m possibly going to make it there. It was out of my comfort zone as it was, but now it just seems impossible. I think I might have to ask my mum or my sister to take her instead. I feel terrible for letting her down and inconveniencing everyone else yet again.

A week after that was supposed to be my college enrolment. I was hoping to start an accountancy course in September. This could be a huge step forward for me. If I don’t make it to the enrolment then I’m going to have to wait a whole year before I can start the course. Even if I do make it to the enrolment, can I really be ready for classes the following week?

I also have to start school runs again in a few weeks. I struggled before when I lived less than half a block from the school. Now I’m three blocks away and I know it’s going to be a real struggle to start with.

Just a month or so ago, none of these things would have been an issue for me at all. I could pretty much go where I wanted, when I wanted, without giving it much thought at all. Right now, the situation is looking pretty bleak. I know that’s probably just the medication taking effect. I hate seeing this change in me, and knowing that I brought it all on myself.

The Baby

2010-05-06T11:50:00.001+01:00

I mentioned briefly in a previous post that the girls’ father is expecting another baby with his new partner. I logged in to Facebook this morning to find scan pictures and an excited comment about them having chosen a name. He finally told the girls’ last night and they are over the moon to be having a new little sister, although I don’t think they realise yet how little they are going to see of this child.

I’m trying very hard not to be bitter about this whole thing, but I’m finding it hard for two reasons.

Firstly – He doesn’t take care of the two children he already has. He hasn’t paid a penny in child support since he left in March last year. He hasn’t seen them since then either. He almost never phones. The only times they have had any contact with him in the last year (about three or four times) is when they have asked me if they can call him. Now here he is having another child with another woman halfway across the country. Will this improve his ability to financially provide for the children he already has? Will it mean that he has more time and money to visit them or have them visit him? Will it mean he has more time to phone them? Somehow, I doubt it. All it means is that our children will get even less from him than they already do.

Secondly – I have been feeling very broody for years. My baby is six already, she is growing up and I can’t stand thinking that she may be my last. Not only that but I don’t like the idea of a huge age gap, or being an older mum. If it had been up to me, I would have had baby number three at least two or three years ago. Unfortunately, due to my health, finances and the fact that I didn’t have an appropriate partner, this hasn’t been possible. Now everything is finally falling into place. I’m doing much better and I have the most wonderful partner I could possibly have imagined. The time seems right, but it’s just not happening for us. I know that we both already have children, so there’s no real reason why we shouldn’t be able to conceive – it’s really just a matter of time. I’m just finding it really frustrating and I can’t help feeling jealous.

Project Life

2010-05-01T22:24:00.001+01:00

This is what I’ve been doing lately instead of Project 365. I thought the digital scrapbook route would be nice as it’s a hobby I began over a year ago but although I have been collecting plenty of images for it, I haven’t really done much with it yet. I find this to be a lot more relaxed as I can skip some days altogether. Other days, like last Saturday, I can take a whole heap of photos and use them over a whole page.

Anyway, I just thought I would share my first couple of pages.

The layout will be the same for each page, but I plan to have a different colour scheme for each month. I’ll keep posting more as I get them done.

Indecision

2010-04-23T20:34:00.001+01:00

The gap between my posts seems to get longer and longer. In truth, I'm just not sure what I should be writing about anymore.

When I first started this blog in February last year, I decided to focus on housework. I suppose the main reason for this was to try to distract myself from the agoraphobia which was dominating my life at the time.

However, it didn't take long until agoraphobia was pretty much the only thing I wrote about.

Over the last fourteen months I've had plenty of ups and downs. There was a time when I couldn't even walk around the block or around the corner to the local shop. I became a single mum, at a time when it was difficult even to look after myself. I was deemed not fit enough to claim income support, but had trouble proving I was unfit enough to claim employment and support allowance, which meant that I had almost no money for several months.

Things now though are much better. I can travel far further that I ever thought I would be able to manage again. Anxiety rarely keeps me from doing much these days. In January I went to see John Barrowman in panto - something I never thought I would be able to do. I have found love with someone who makes me happier than I thought possible. We moved in to a lovely new house together. I'm now looking for a job. I finally feel like I am living instead of just surviving each day.

Of course, life still has it's challenges. I'm not 100% better, and perhaps I never will be, but I can live with that. Mark's ex is trying to stop him from seeing his children so they are involved in a court battle which puts strain on all of us, but it will be worth it when he finally has proper access. I've just found out the girls' dad is having another baby. That doesn't bother me too much except for the fact that I know my girls will probably have very little contact with their new brother or sister and I feel sad for them.

All in all though, life is pretty good. For the most part, we're happy. It just means that I don't have much, agoraphobia wise, to write about these days. I really am stepping out of the box now!

2010-01-27T16:02:00.001Z

Just a quick update…

Things have been absolutely hectic here recently. I’m moving on the weekend so I’ve been very busy with getting organised and packing. I will most likely be without internet for a while, but I’ll try to update the blog properly once we’re all settled in, and also make an effort to try to post a bit more regularly.

I will quickly say though that things are going really well for me at the moment. Agoraphobia is almost a non-issue for me these days, things with Mark are better than I could possibly have hoped for, we’re moving to a nicer and bigger house and I plan to start looking for a job very, very soon.

Thank you to everyone who’s left comments or sent emails to wish me well. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to everyone in person – as I said, things have been pretty hectic. I’m also really, really behind with reading blogs. I think I have about 200 posts to catch up on… I will try to do that on my phone over the next couple of weeks while we are without internet.

Hopefully I will be back soon…

Mark

2009-12-15T13:38:00.001Z

I realise I’ve gone very quiet yet again lately. The main reason for that is that I’ve met someone! His name is Mark, he’s 34, he lives in Cardiff and he’s adorable!

So, after things fizzled out with J, I decided to take myself off the dating site. J kept calling and texting, asking when he could see me again, and I kept putting him off. I realised that I didn’t really want to give up my free time, that I actually preferred my own company and that in that case I probably just wasn’t ready for dating yet.

I logged into the site to delete my profile, but I had a new message that caught my eye. After reading his message and profile, I could straight away see that Mark was the kind of guy I wanted to get to know better. Articulate, intelligent, creative, thoughtful… the list goes on. He told me that he was just looking to get to know someone by email initially, which was fine by me since I was sick of all the guys that would message and ask to meet within minutes of saying hello.

I think both of us expected to take things very slowly, get to know each other over the course of a few months and then, if things were going well, eventually meet up. It certainly took me by surprise when things progressed as fast as they did. We very quickly went from email, to MSN messenger, to texting, to spending hours on the phone. Within a few days I knew that I had found someone very special and we arranged to meet.

We hit it off immediately. There were no awkward moments or uncomfortable silences. I have been totally comfortable in his company since the moment we met.

This last month has been like a dream. We’ve been almost inseparable. Far from hating to give up my free time, I miss him the moment that he walks out of the door and I count down the hours until he returns.

I never thought that I would meet anyone like Mark. I have been looking for him my whole life, but I never really believed that he existed, let alone that I would ever meet him! He writes me poetry every day. He has flowers delivered, just because. I used to go to ballroom dance classes when I was younger and have been looking for a partner for years – we’re going to start next month, and it was his idea! Honestly, he could not be more perfect for me if I had dreamed him into existence.

I know I’ve only known him a month, and it’s a bit of a whirlwind romance, but when I look into his eyes I can see my whole future mapped out. I honestly believe that I have found my soulmate at last.

Magical mystery tour

2009-10-30T15:04:00.001Z

It was still early, but dark. With last weeks clock change, I’m still not quite used to how early the darkness comes. I looked out of the window and suddenly realised that I didn’t have a clue where we were. Passing by street after street, I didn’t recognise any of them. It was an odd feeling, but even odder was that I didn’t feel at all worried.

I mentioned this to my mum and she pointed out the Harvester a little way ahead. It was the one that we had thought about going to for my birthday. This didn’t really help much though since I still had no idea where the Harvester was in relation to anything else. Not that it mattered, I was still completely calm. Then she pointed out Cosmeston Park on the other side of the road. Ah, now I knew were we were. Not far from Barry now, in a few minutes we would be passing McDonald’s and I would be back in familiar territory. McDonald’s though never appeared. A few minutes later I looked around and realised that once again I had no idea where I was. Still calm, I questioned my mum again and this time it turned out we were on the docks, although at the far end which I probably wouldn’t have recognised even in daylight.

Actually, I seem to have spent quite a lot of yesterday not really knowing where I was. When we got to Cardiff the first shop my sister wanted to look in was Blue Banana. I thought I knew where that was, but it turns out it’s moved. As we were walking I pointed up ahead to a large building with blue and green panels on the side and asked if that was the new shopping centre that had just opened. Nope, turned out that was the new library. The new shopping centre though was next door and we made our way towards it. The place was huge, and my sister hadn’t been in there before either, so this time I wasn’t the only one who was lost. Still, we managed to navigate our way through and the crowds and the size of the place didn’t bother me at all.

Before I knew it we were hopping in a taxi to nan’s house, but it turned out the driver didn’t know where it was and had to rely on his sat nav. So I found myself in the back of a taxi, driving around unknown Cardiff streets with a driver who I wasn’t quite sure knew where he was going!

Walking from nan’s to the train station proved a little nerve wracking. I knew the route by heart, I’d looked it up on the map so many times, but it was starting to get dark by then and walking it proved to be quite different to tracing it on a map. I kept having to ask my sister which street we were on to make sure I had it straight in my head.

When we got to the train station we had just missed our train. I’ll be honest, at this point I panicked a little. Grangetown station is not the nicest place at the best of times, but in the dark and with three children with us I was a little nervous about hanging around there for 15 minutes waiting for the next train.

Luckily we realised that the Penarth train due in three minutes was the one that mum would be catching home from work. She finds it quicker to park in Penarth and drive back to Barry than to catch the Barry train. So we called her and arranged to meet her on the train and get a lift. So that was how I found myself being driven through unknown streets, after dark, without a care in the world.

A long overdue update…

2009-10-27T07:58:00.001Z

Sorry I’ve been absent so much lately, I just seem to be almost constantly on the go these days!

Did I mention the doctor won’t give me any more sick notes? I don’t think I did. My last one ran out at the end of September so I headed back in for another one. When the doctor asked me how I’d been doing I was honest with him that I had been doing much better recently. I was shocked when he told me that was it, no more sick notes, that the best thing I could possibly do now was to start working towards as normal a life as possible. I will admit that I shed a few tears. Not because I was angry or upset, but just because it was so unexpected. I had been wondering where to draw the line between being too ill to do anything and being recovered enough to return to normality and all of a sudden someone else was making this decision for me! It sounded really scary at first, but I have to admit that I totally agree with his decision. There is nothing really holding me back any more, and I’m working on building up the courage to go for some voluntary work. I’m not quite there yet, but I will do it soon.

That means another change in benefits. After months of battling and jumping through hoops to try to get my employment and support allowance sorted out, I’m now back on income support. No more jumping through hoops, no more sick notes, no more pathways to work, no more medical appointments in Cardiff – why didn’t they just let me claim this in the first place? It would have saved me a lot of trouble! Still, I guess if I hadn’t been forced to go through all the hassle that I went through with that I might not have recovered as much as I have done, so in a way I’m grateful for the difficulties.

More exciting news is that my date last Thursday went well. Really well actually. I really struggled with anxiety that day. I went into town with my sister that morning and went to her house to get ready later as my date was just across the road from there, but I couldn’t quite manage to relax the whole time despite the cocktail of medication I had taken to calm my nerves. For a while I really thought that I would have to cancel, but I was determined not to let anxiety win. I’m so glad that I went through with it, and I was actually very relaxed once I got there. As usual the anticipation was worse than the actual event.

So, I met J online a little over a week ago. I didn’t expect anything to come of it but I joined a dating site just to see if there would be anyone interesting. I’ve been single since March now, it’s about time I got myself back out there! J’s profile jumped out at me immediately, but I was too shy to message him so I was really happy to find a message from him the next day. We immediately hit it off and every day since we have been chatting online, texting and calling each other. I was a little unsure when he suggested meeting up so soon. I have met guys online before, a long time ago, but always spent weeks or even months getting to know them before eventually agreeing to meet in person. This time though I knew that I just had to go for it or I would build it up in my mind as this big huge thing that would eventually seem so impossible that I just wouldn’t be able to face it. I didn’t want to do anything too formal, so I agreed to meet him for coffee on Thursday afternoon. As I said, it went really well, and I’m seeing him again this evening.

I made it into Cardiff a few weeks ago. I ended up getting a lift there and then a train home. It was easier than I could possibly have imagined it would have been. The journey there and back was pretty much anxiety free, and I really enjoyed seeing how Cardiff has changed since I was last there and it was really great to be able to meet up with mum while I was there too. I haven’t been back since as my mum’s been away for a couple of weeks and she’s my back up if I get stuck somewhere so I didn’t want to risk it. I’m hoping to make it again on Thursday and this time go and visit my nan as she lives near Cardiff centre.

As I mentioned, my mum has been away for two weeks. Her and my step dad have been on a cruise from Montreal to New York. My mum is my rock, my safe person, and in the past I have relied on her so much. Usually I get very anxious when she goes away, although I try not to show it because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable about going. This time though, was very different. Apart from avoiding a second trip to Cardiff, I’ve pretty much carried on with life as normal. I missed her of course, but I wasn’t worrying like I usually would about how her being away would make things much more difficult for me. She even asked me to drop by her house to feed the rabbit, a job which I could never have managed before.

I had a night out a couple of weeks ago. There was an Ann Summers night in the pub where my sister works so I joined her and a couple of her friends. We had a fantastic time. I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed that much.

I’d like to say I’ve been keeping up with my trips to the gym but unfortunately I haven’t been as much as I would like to. I hurt my neck a couple of weeks ago so that stopped me going for a little while. Last week I only managed two sessions, and this week I can’t go at all because the girls are off school. Still, I hope to get back into it properly when they go back next week.

And I think that’s about it. Obviously I’ve been busy in between all this with mundane stuff like trips to town etc. Never thought I’d be calling a trip to town mundane again! Anyway, I think that’s pretty much the highlights from the last couple of weeks. I will try to post a little more often from now on, that way I won’t have so much to try to remember, I’ve probably missed loads out!

I have a date!

2009-10-19T22:47:00.001+01:00

Well, sort of. Thursday lunchtime I’m meeting up with a guy who I’ve met online. He only lives about a mile away from me and we’re meeting up in a local pub for a drink and to get to know each other a little better. I’m so nervous though, I’ve not had a date for years!

2009-10-12T15:06:00.001+01:00

Just a quick note to say that I’m sorry I’ve not written for a while, and I’m really behind with reading everyone else’s blogs too. With two birthdays last week and lots of other stuff going on everything’s been kind of crazy here. I’m slowly catching up with reading the backlog though, hopefully normal service will resume shortly ;)

Some music :)

2009-10-01T18:08:00.001+01:00

I’d forgotten about this song, but I was listening to the ‘Have a Nice Day’ album today and couldn’t help belting out the chorus at the top of my voice! Reminds me that everything happens for a reason, even if we’re not quite sure what that reason is.

Busy, busy, busy!

2009-09-29T10:28:00.001+01:00

It’s amazing how fast my calendar is suddenly filling up now that I’m able to venture out a little more.

Yesterday I went to my first ever PTA meeting. The closest I’ve ever been to one before was waiting in the classroom while my mum attended. This time it was my girls waiting in the very same classroom while I sat through an hour long meeting. It was actually a lot of fun and very interesting to find out some of the things that are going on within the school that I would not have known about otherwise. To be honest I pretty much just sat there and smiled and nodded my head a lot, I was a bit to overwhelmed to say much, though I suspect I will be getting a bit more involved over time. We already have lots of events to plan so I’m sure I will get roped in to helping out in some way with most of them. Our first event is a quiz night on 22nd October and I’ve already organised a babysitter. I’m a little apprehensive but looking forward to it.

Tomorrow I’m thinking of heading into Cardiff on the train. It’s about 10 miles and 30 minutes on the train so as you can imagine this is a HUGE step to me. This December will be four years since I last went to Cardiff, and since then a lot has changed from what I hear. Toys R Us and the ice rink have been knocked down and replaced with a new shopping centre and John Lewis. Lots of shops have moved around. If I make it tomorrow it’s going to be a very surreal experience, but I look forward to finally seeing it all first hand. Oh, and I get to meet my mum on her lunch break which is something we used to do all the time and I’ve missed doing that.

I’m still going to the gym about three or four times a week. I’m planning to change the routine a little this week though and add some fitness classes. Today I’m going for a step class and Friday I’m going to the multifitness class. Multifitness is kind of a gentler version of circuits, with a mix of aerobics, step, kick boxing and hand weights plus some mat work at the end, so a good mix and a lot of fun. I used to go with a friend but haven’t been for years so I’m looking forward to getting back to it.

We have two birthdays next week, Evie’s on Tuesday and mine on Wednesday so lots to celebrate!

On Monday I’m going to the pub where my sister works for an Ann Summers night. I’ll invite a few friends along and make it into a bit of a birthday night out. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to really celebrate my birthday!

Tuesday of course we will have family and a few of Evie’s friends over here for her birthday. I’m not planning anything big, just the usual party food, probably some Disney princess music and just let them get on with it. I’m sure they will find some way to amuse themselves, it wouldn’t surprise me if they spend two hours on the Wii. Next year I will have a big party for the girls together, maybe at Quasar or something, but this year I’m a bit limited with what I can do for them.

I’m not sure if anyone will come over on Wednesday. It is my birthday, but my sister has college that night so we’re going for a family meal at the local Wetherspoon’s on Thursday instead. The last few years we’ve gone to a pub called The Ship for every family meal because it’s close and I feel fairly comfortable there so when I mentioned the possibility of going for a meal to my mum my only request was NOT The Ship! Time to step out of my comfort zone and go somewhere I haven’t been before. We were actually thinking of going to the Harvester in a nearby village, but then mum pointed out that we wouldn’t be able to get everyone there. Still, the thought was there and it’s nice to think that I had the confidence to agree to that and I think I would have been able to manage it without too much trouble.

So a busy few weeks coming up and I’m loving it! I only wish I’d been able to do this sooner. I’ve lost nearly four years of my life to agoraphobia and it feels so good to finally have some freedom and enjoy myself again!

So this is what normal feels like?

2009-09-14T20:54:00.001+01:00

Today has been (mostly) a wonderful day. Has anything special happened? No, not really. I’ve just absolutely loved the normality of it all.

I went to the gym this morning. Stopped by Argos on the way to pick up some earphones I’d decided to treat myself to now that my money’s finally come through, so that I can listen to the music in the gym while I work out.

After the gym I walked to the other end of town for an appointment with the mental health team. Ok, so not something a ‘normal’ person does generally but keeping appointments without stressing over them is a whole new thing to me. Ironically they’ve decided now that I’m ‘too well’ for CBT! Wow, it’s taken me all these years to get referred for CBT and now I can’t get it because I’m doing too well! Ah well, I think I’m doing just fine without it. They’ve referred me for a stress management course which runs for six weeks as they think that will give me a few extra tools to keep my momentum going. Sounds good to me.

After the appointment I grabbed some lunch and sat on the square in the middle of town eating and watching the world go by without a care in the world. After that I wandered around a few shops and almost talked myself into pre-ordering Dan Brown’s new book. I think tomorrow I will probably kick myself because I’ll probably end up buying it anyway and I won’t get the free book I would have gotten for pre-ordering!

After all that, I caught the bus home, on my own, all the way from town. I haven’t gotten on a bus alone since December 2005. I have done a few short accompanied bus rides since then, but never more than about half a mile. It was a pretty spur of the moment thing, my feet were hurting from my shoes rubbing, I realised I could now afford to spare £2 for bus fare and thought ‘why not?’ I can’t believe how easy it was, I just listened to the radio on my phone, and before I knew it, I was home.

Then I went into school for a talk from the teachers for the parents of junior children. The talk lasted around 45 minutes but I didn’t once think about getting up and leaving, or regret going.

Unfortunately things went slightly downhill from here. When I went to pick Evie up she was crying. I thought that it was because I was a few minutes late because the talk had over run slightly but she said it wasn’t that, but couldn’t give me a reason why she was upset. Her teacher told me that she’d been quite weepy on and off all day today, and Paige said that she had seen her crying at play time. She felt quite warm to me so as soon as I got home I took her temperature and she had a fever. She’s also had a cough all weekend and I was a little concerned so I called the doctor. He said it didn’t sound like the dreaded swine flu but asked me to bring her in just to check it wasn’t anything serious.

I got a taxi to the surgery and back. It was a proud moment for me when I realised that my daughter was ill and instead of freaking out and calling for backup like I usually would, I was dealing with it like a normal mum and doing what needed to be done to make sure that my daughter was ok.

I think sometimes children like to scare you and then make you look like the most overprotective parent on the planet. For an hour after I got Evie home from school she didn’t move from the sofa, she just cuddled up to me quietly crying. As soon as we arrived at the surgery she started acting like there was nothing wrong and playing happily with her sister. By the time we saw the doctor I was half expecting him to take one look at her and tell me it was all in my head! All that was left was a slight temperature to prove that I hadn’t made it all up. He didn’t seem to concerned though after examining her, he just told me to keep an eye on her and bring her back if she got any worse. So far though she has been fine, and insisting that she wants to go to school tomorrow!

So there we go, that was my ‘normal’ day doing ‘normal’ things like a ‘normal’ person.

Long walk today!

2009-09-11T14:41:00.001+01:00

I made it to the gym yesterday for my induction and a workout and it was fantastic. I really, really enjoyed it and plan to go as often as possible now, hopefully 3-5 times a week at least.

So this morning I met my sister at the school and asked if we were going again. She said she’d like to but she didn’t bring her stuff with her. At first she suggested that she go home and get it and meet me on the docks, but then I decided to go with her although it meant a lot of extra walking! I’m still at a point where I have to keep stopping at toilets, more to make sure that I won’t need to, rather than because I do need to – self comforting behaviour, I guess.

Anyway, we walked down to the seafront first at point B so I could use the toilet there. Then off to my sister’s house at point C. From there we headed to the doctors on High Street, point D, for another toilet stop, and eventually made it to the leisure centre at point E. I’m surprised but happy to say that my anxiety level never rose very high at all through this entire walk, in fact for the most part I was almost anxiety free.

We spent around 45 minutes at the gym and I enjoyed it a lot. Probably next week we will be seeing an instructor for a one-on-one session and to get a personalised fitness program, but at the moment we’re just doing our own thing and trying out the different machines to see what we like best. My favourite thing today was trying out some of their new bikes, they’re really good fun. They have a screen on which shows a simulated route on it for you to cycle along and you have to steer and everything. It adjusts the difficulty depending on the terrain and you can really feel it when you’re going uphill!

After the gym I walked most of the way home on my own. I stopped by Argos to pick up a birthday present for Evie’s friend and Halfords to have a peek at the bikes at point G. Then I stopped in Morrisons at point H for one last toilet break before the walk home. Obviously I walked back to the house, not just to point I, but Google maps doesn’t seem to realise that those steps are in use so I couldn’t include the last bit. On the way home the only things that were bothering me were my legs were aching (not surprisingly!), my sandals were rubbing and I had a bit of a stitch – anxiety was the last thing on my mind!

I know I’ve still got a long way to go, but today has been amazing and I really think I’m well on the way to beating this at last. I’m no longer living in a box!

Next week I finally have an appointment to see someone about starting CBT sessions, so I’m looking forward to that. Anything that can keep me moving forwards has to be a good thing.

Frustration

2009-09-09T10:33:00.001+01:00

I’ve been making so much progress lately, that it hits me like a ton of bricks on a day like today when I just can’t do what I had planned to do. All I wanted to do was to walk over to the doctors with my sister, pick up my prescription and come home again. The same walk we did on Monday with very little trouble. Sure I was anxious on Monday, but nothing bad happened, I did it without needing to turn back once and I was on a high after achieving it.

I made it halfway across the docks this morning, but I really struggled to do that much, I couldn’t relax even on what is usually the ‘easy bit’. Eventually I gave up and turned back home, knowing full well that it would take me just as long to walk home as it would to get to the surgery. Sure enough, I text my sister just before i got to the house and she was already there, and she walks slower without me so it actually would have been quicker for me to keep going!

In an effort not to become too reliant on diazepam, I didn’t take any this morning. Perhaps that was the problem, perhaps I am already too reliant on it. I have taken it for years without any problems. Usually I can manage a journey once or twice with it and then I manage fine without it after that. Perhaps I was just too soon to try it without, maybe taking it this morning would have seen a different response.

Right now though I’m just very frustrated, disappointed and angry with myself. If I had just kept going I probably would have been fine, every time I turn back I always regret it.

Out and about again

2009-09-08T05:27:00.001+01:00

I’ve not done a map in a while since they were pretty much just showing various routes around the island, but now I’m going a bit further afield I thought I’d do another. The docks are starting to become a little more comfortable to me now. I can make it to that gate I posted about before with very little trouble, and after that I know I’m past halfway so wherever I’m going it’s quicker to keep going than to go back home, so I can usually make it to Morrison’s or to town, though sometimes it takes two attempts to complete the journey!

Yesterday was the first time I walked this particular route though. Instead of turning right at the gate where I usually do I went straight on and then took a left to head to High Street. My sister came with me and I’m glad she did because I struggled with the new route and I’m not sure I’d have made it alone, but in the end I did it without having to turn back at all. I even walked back too, which is a first for me, up until now I’ve either gotten a lift or taxi home from everywhere.

All this was to get yet another sick note from the doctor. I’ve still not got my benefits sorted out and it’s driving me up the wall. It’s partially my own fault because I missed going to the doctor for a while and when I did go she couldn’t backdate my sick note far enough and they refused to pay me without having that time covered so I had to start a whole new claim. If it wasn’t for my mum, I don’t know how I’d have gotten through the last few months, but hopefully it won’t be long now until I can start paying her back.

About an hour after I got home yesterday my mum called me to say that she needed to see the doctor sometime this week and would I like a lift? I felt so proud of myself to be able to tell her that I’d already been and it had all been taken care of. Trouble is I’m going to have to go back in a few weeks because this note is backdated to 30th June for three months so it’s almost run out already!

Yesterday afternoon I went to the school for a talk from the teachers for parents of receptions to year two children about ways to support your child’s education at home. This is normally the sort of thing I would have avoided in the past as it wasn’t something I really needed to attend. Things like assemblies and open afternoons I tend to suffer through for the children’s sake because I know they wouldn’t complain but they would miss me if I didn’t go. Still, I went along, and although it wasn’t really anything I hadn’t heard before I sat through it with no problem and even hung around for a further 15 minutes to pick Evie up instead of going home in between.

While I was there they mentioned the PTA. I’ve often thought about going along to PTA meetings but always decided against it, I didn’t need the extra anxiety! This year though, I think it’s something I’m going to try to get involved in, even if I only sit in the back row and nod along while other people make suggestions! I will certainly try to attend the first meeting anyway, and see how I go from there.

Another map, this time to show the route to the leisure centre (though I’ll most likely stop at Morrison’s along the way). I’ve been to the leisure centre a few times over the last few weeks, in fact it’s turned out to be quite a good safe haven for me down the bottom end of town. There are nice clean toilets there (something I’m always on the lookout for) and if I need to take a time out I find it quite relaxing to sit in the spectators area by the pool. Being by the water has a calming effect on me, even if it is just a swimming pool!

Today though I’m not going there to hide or relax, I’m joining the gym! This is something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time so I’m glad to finally be able to do it, even if I am somewhat nervous about it. My wonderful mum (to the rescue again!) has lent me the money for a month long membership so that I can go whenever I want now over the next month. That includes the gym, fitness classes, swimming and the health suite so I will be sure to make the most of it! I think mum’s just glad to see me getting out and about.

We’re really lucky that our local leisure centre is very well equipped. They’ve just extended the gym and had a lot of new equipment arrive at the beginning of this year, including some advanced stationary bikes that look like a lot of fun. They run classes on those every day so that’s something I’m looking forward to trying out. And all of the cardio machines work by putting a key in which records your workout so at the end you can get a detailed rundown of everything you’ve done, how long for and how many calories you’ve burned. They also have a great selection of fitness classes but I think most of them may be a little energetic for me just yet, I think I’ll have to build up my stamina first!

Looking even further into the future, I’ve been thinking of attempting a flight to Glasgow at some point. Maybe at the beginning of next year if I feel up to it. This is going to be a HUGE step for me, as I’ve never flown anywhere before, but my best friend lives near Glasgow and even though we talk all the time on the phone and she’s been to visit me a couple of times, I’ve never been able to go and visit her which is such a shame. But, it’s only just over an hour’s flight to Glasgow and costs about £60 and with the progress I’ve made so far I’m beginning to think it might not be so far out of reach after all. I know one thing – if I can manage to fly to Glasgow, I can do pretty much anything!

Belated birthday post

2009-09-04T16:45:00.001+01:00

The summer of 2001 was long and very hot, or at least it seemed that way to me. Perhaps it won’t stick out so much in most people’s memories, but I will always remember it because I was heavily pregnant at the time. In fact, I was so hot that I developed the cringe worthy habit of chewing ice cubes. I even had to buy extra ice cube trays because I just couldn’t freeze them fast enough!

I began my pregnancy weighing just 7st 7lb but put on a massive four stone by the end of it, so by August I felt like a beached whale. Paige was due on 13th August but was determined to hang on and make me as uncomfortable as possible. Eventually, after an induction, a fairly long labour and venthouse delivery, she was born on the 24th August weighing 9lb 5oz (and if you think that was big, wait for Evie’s story in a few weeks time!)

Paige has always been my Little Miss Independent. I remember looking around the ward when she was born and wondering why everyone else had tiny babies while mine looked three months old already, but that wasn’t the first time she seemed older than she really was. At three months she could roll from back to front, you couldn’t lay her down without her rolling over. Oddly she was late in learning to roll the other way, she didn’t want to be on her back passively watching the world go by, she wanted to be on her front trying to join in with everything! At five months old she was commando crawling. At six months old she had mastered crawling properly, quite a while before she learned to sit up. Seven months old she was pulling herself to standing and walking around the furniture. And at ten months she was taking her first steps, this time before she had learned to stand still! She was always on the go.

As she grew it soon became apparent how clever she was. Now, I’m not saying my daughter’s a genius because that would certainly be exaggerating, but she was already reading and writing many three and four letter words before she started full time school a week after her fourth birthday. She is the youngest in her class, but you would never know it. She has always been in the top group of her class for all subjects and consistently outperforms many of the other children, some of whom are almost a year older than her. She is clearly very academically minded and bright for her age. She loves to read and can often be found in her bedroom with her nose in a book. She tests at a reading age of about 11 and some of her favourite authors include Roald Dahl and Enid Blyton and she’s currently reading Peter Pan.

I’m bragging here but Paige has given me a lot to be proud of and now seems like the perfect time to write about her as just over a week ago my special big girl celebrated her eighth birthday!

A belated happy birthday Paige, I love you very much and I will always be proud of you! xxx

Look where I’ve been!

2009-08-16T15:41:00.001+01:00

Yesterday mum took the girls out and I decided to go for a walk. I headed down the docks just to see how far I could get.

First I made it to this gate that I mentioned a few months ago. This is about halfway across the docks and it’s where my mum can pick me up from if the access road to the island is too busy.

Then I went a little further

Yes, I made it all the way to Morrisons! This is less than a mile from my house, but I haven’t been able to walk here in years.

And I didn’t stop here. First I walked right the way around the store, on a busy Saturday afternoon, just to prove that I could. I had a huge panic attack in here once and although I’ve been back a few times since, I’ve never felt comfortable until yesterday.

And then I walked another half a mile into town. That’s right, I walked all the way into the town centre, on my own, on a busy Saturday afternoon! I’m still in shock…

Just two weeks ago I posted that I was back to square one with my agoraphobia, and that I was barely leaving the house – I can’t believe how quick I’ve managed to turn that around and am now doing the best I have done since I became agoraphobic in December 2005.

I started off just by walking around one block. But instead of waiting until doing that felt comfortable, the next day I walked around two blocks. I didn’t wait for that to feel comfortable either but added a third block the next day. Almost every day since then (apart from two days where I was busy all day) I’ve added another block and not let myself care that it didn’t feel comfortable. Each day I would go out and tell myself that I didn’t have to like it, I just had to do it. On Friday I managed to walk around 11 blocks.

That’s the majority of the residential part of the island. The whole route is about a mile long and takes me about 18-19 minutes to walk.

The last two weeks have been like a dream. So many wonderful things have happened, it’s not just the walking. My half sister came to visit on Monday, she’s 16 now and I hadn’t seen her since she was two. It was wonderful to see her again, and I hope that next time I see her I will be able to go and meet her somewhere so we can do something fun together.

On Thursday I had an appointment in town and I managed to take a taxi there with very little stress at all, even when the driver took an unfamiliar route to avoid some traffic that was built up. Also the appointment ended up taking about an hour, but I was very comfortable the whole way through.

I honestly can’t say what’s made the difference, I’ve changed so many things all at once that it’s hard to put this sudden improvement down to just one thing. Perhaps it’s the medication, perhaps it’s the change in diet, perhaps it’s simply a change in attitude. I have no idea, all I can say is that I’m very glad that things seem to be turning around for me at last.

I still have a long way to go. Right now there are still many journeys that I couldn’t even consider attempting. But if I continue to improve at the rate that I have for the last two weeks it won’t be long before nothing is beyond my reach. And even if I don’t continue improving, look at the new freedom I will have, just from being able to go into town whenever I feel like it!

Hypoglycemia

2009-08-06T13:55:00.001+01:00

When I was 16 I went to the doctors complaining of symptoms including feeling faint and dizzy, trembling, sweating and heart racing. Accompanying these symptoms was usually a feeling of ravenous hunger.

I was sent off for blood tests and a few days later was told that I had low blood sugar levels, a condition I later found out was called hypoglycemia. A healthy person’s blood glucose level usually falls between 3-4 mmol/L, mine was just over 2 mmol/L and that was a couple of hours after eating breakfast!

Unfortunately the doctor didn’t really give me any information about the condition, he just told me that it was the cause of my symptoms, that I should be careful to eat regularly and not to skip meals.

Since then I have continued to experience these symptoms on a regular basis but knowing the cause made it easy to correct the problem. Some chocolate, a dextrose tablet, a drink of fruit juice or a slice of bread and jam worked very quickly to raise my sugar levels and alleviate the symptoms. Makes sense doesn’t it? Blood sugar low = eat more sugar.

A couple of weeks ago I had an attack and suddenly made a connection that I’ve never thought of before, and apparently none of the doctors I’ve seen have noticed it either, or at least none of them have ever mentioned it to me. Looking at the symptoms I’ve mentioned above, it’s difficult to see how I didn’t notice it before. Could there be a link between hypoglycemia and anxiety?

So I did a quick search and immediately discovered that there is a definite link. Basically, when you eat something sugary and your blood glucose level rises too much insulin is released which converts the sugar into glycogen which is stored for the body to use later, much as excess fat is stored for later use. In some people though this reaction doesn’t occur quickly enough and so too much insulin is released which causes a sudden crash in blood glucose. To combat this glycogen stores are converted back into glucose in order to stabilise the glucose level again. And how is this conversion achieved? By releasing adrenaline!

That explains a lot. For more than a decade now my body has been on a rollercoaster ride of glucose highs and lows accompanied by the adrenaline rush that is needed in order to normalise my blood glucose level. Now I’m not saying that this is the whole cause of my condition, of course there is a psychological element to it as well, but constant adrenaline surges like that are bound to wreak havoc with anyone's anxiety levels. Of course there is also the possibility of some kind of reverse conditioning. With regular surges of adrenaline and with it increased anxiety perhaps I began to look for blame where there was none to be found and began attributing those feelings to external conditions.

Looking into the condition more, it turns out that I have been treating it in completely the wrong way. Of course eating sugary foods when I have an attack relieves my symptoms, but it just makes my blood glucose levels even more unstable. So what I need now is a complete change in diet to attempt to stabilise my blood glucose.

I’ve been looking into the GI (glycemic index) diet which claims to do just that. High GI foods contain carbohydrates that are broken down quickly and so are most likely to cause a sudden rise and then crash in blood glucose levels. Low GI foods contain carbohydrates that are broken down more slowly and so provide a steady release of energy and help to keep blood glucose levels stable. It makes a lot of sense to me.

I’m not following a specific diet right now but I’m just trying to be more aware of what I’m eating and trying to choose more low GI foods. My usual breakfast of weetabix or cheerios has been replaced with bran flakes or porridge. White bread, pasta and rice have been swapped for wholemeal or brown varieties. Dinner consists of less potatoes and more other vegetables. It’s all pretty common sense really and the kind of thing that we all know that we should do anyway.

I’m struggling the most with snacks, perhaps because most of my life I’ve associated the word snack with treats like chocolate and crisps. In order to keep my blood sugar stable, I should be eating two or three snacks a day. Fruit should be included of course, but it isn’t ideal for every snack because of the high sugar content. It may be natural, but sugar is sugar. Nuts are good but I’m not really a nut person apart from the salted variety but I don’t think they’re such a good idea! I will keep looking, but at the moment I’m finding it difficult to find the right kind of snacks to keep me going between meals.

A few other little things that can help include reducing alcohol intake, alcoholic drinks of course being full of sugar. A glass of wine or beer a few times a week with your evening meal is ok, but no more than that. This again supports my theory that my sugar levels have played havoc with my anxiety. I gave up drinking alcohol almost four years ago because I found my anxiety levels were always higher when I’d had a drink. Smoking can also interfere with sugar levels but luckily I gave up almost 18 months ago. Unfortunately I replaced smoking with drinking coffee which is a big no-no. Recently I have switched to decaffeinated coffee which is of course a lot better, and even more recently I’ve been trying out herbal teas, although I have to say I’m not impressed so far and may soon go back to the decaffeinated coffee again.

So I guess it’ll be a bit of trial and error to begin with, but I hope that this new diet will help to alleviate at least some of my physical symptoms of anxiety. At the very least it should help with the blood glucose rollercoaster, we’ll all be eating more healthily and who knows, I might even shed a few pounds. Can’t hurt to try!

I’m back!

2009-08-02T11:53:00.001+01:00

Yes, my internet has finally been reconnected. Actually, it was reconnected on Thursday but things have been a little crazy here so I’ve not had chance to stop by and update the blog. Thursday my sister came over just after I realised it was working again, so I didn’t have chance then. Friday all three of us were struck by a stomach bug. Yesterday was a very lazy day as we just took the time to chill out and recover from the chaos of Friday. I did though take the chance to catch up on reading everyone’s blogs that I had missed while offline – sorry I’ve not left any comments though, it would have taken me about three times as long to get through them all if I had, it took me most of the day as it was! Today the girls are out with my mum so I have a few hours to myself and a chance to update at last.

Hmmm… where to start? I seem to be finally settling on my medication. I’m taking 20mg of fluoxetine a day now and although I’m still waking up sometimes at night and sometimes tired in the day, it’s not nearly as bad as it was initially.

Unfortunately I’m pretty much back to square one as far as my agoraphobia is concerned. I’m walking very little now and back to only leaving the island to go to my mum’s or sister’s houses and only in my mum’s car. This is mostly down to the medication I think, as I was very anxious to begin with and also very tired and really lacking in motivation. Now that things are starting to settle down it’s time to start getting back into walking again. Hopefully it won’t take me long to build back up to where I was before.

On a more positive note, lack of internet has meant that I’ve had to find other ways to occupy myself, and I’ve been doing a lot more housework than usual. This time last year we were planning to move and I had packed up a lot of our things in anticipation. Unfortunately (or perhaps not – I like it here) the move fell through and we ended up staying put. Last weekend I finally got around to unpacking all those boxes again! Yes, I’m ashamed to say that it took me a whole year to get around to doing it and it only took me two days to actually get the job done. Also my cooker looks almost new since I took an old toothbrush and a bottle of Cif to it last week!

In other news we’ve had a bit of a family reunion. My mum fell out with most of her family around 30 years ago, and has very little contact with them since. That means I have a nan, two aunties and a cousin (plus a whole load of more distant relatives) who I’ve met on a couple of occasions but have grown up without really knowing. A couple of weeks ago my cousin got in touch and asked if she could come and visit. So she brought around her two little girls, the oldest is ten months younger than Paige and the youngest is nine months, and we had a lovely day. We got on pretty well, she’s really chatty and we had a good laugh and the kids got on really well too. The next week she came back and this time my nan came along too. It’s a bit strange suddenly having all this new family, but it’s nice to finally have the chance to get to know them.

And I think that’s just about it. There is one more thing I want to write about concerning a medical condition that was diagnosed when I was 16 but I have only just realised the full implications of it last week. It’s nothing serious enough to kill me, at least not in the short term, but may have played a much bigger part in my life than I ever realised and it could explain a lot. I think though that I will save that for another post as it will need quite a bit of explanation and I think I need to do a little more research into it.

Offline for a bit

2009-07-15T12:07:00.000+01:00

So, I sent a cheque to pay off the overdue phone bill but I guess it was too late because it's been cut off, and so has my internet. No idea how long it will take to get it all put back on again, could be tomorrow, could be weeks. I have access from my phone but it's expensive and awkward so I probably won't be updating much, if at all, until I'm reconnected.

Paranoid?

2009-07-07T15:00:00.001+01:00

On my ex-boyfriend’s wall on Facebook…

Happy birthday sexy cakes
At least I get to say it in person to this time :)
Love ya loads
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Now, I realise of course that we broke up four months ago and if he’s moved on and found himself a new girlfriend, that’s none of my business, and I honestly couldn’t care less. She’s welcome to him, he’s a waste of space and I certainly don’t want him back.

But I can’t help wondering, what does she mean by ‘this time’? Did I miss something here? He spent his last birthday with me. Maybe I’m being paranoid here, but I can’t help wondering now, was he cheating on me? There are a lot of things I could accuse my ex of, but a cheat? That’s the one thing I thought he would never do.

New meds – Week one

2009-07-07T06:49:00.001+01:00

Tuesday – Day one

Since I was prescribed fluoxetine today (and also diazepam and propranolol to take as needed) I thought it might be a good idea to track my progress. I know that things are likely to get worse before they get better and this way I can keep an eye on how things are progressing and also have a record to refer back to if I need to discuss anything with the doctor.

I took 2mg of diazepam this afternoon to help me get to the surgery. I do think that I probably could have done it without, but it was an important appointment and I really couldn’t afford to miss it just because I’d decided to experiment.

I took my first 10mg dose of fluoxetine at about 7pm. It tastes foul (it’s in liquid form so I can take a low dose) so I’m glad I had a cup of coffee handy. Apart from the bad taste I’ve not had any trouble with it yet, no nausea or anything.

I made the mistake of going on the No More Panic forum to look up fluoxetine and propranolol – there were some real horror stories! I wish I hadn’t done that now because I’m starting to get really nervous about how bad things could get before I settle on the fluoxetine. One useful thing I read though was that the general consensus seems to be that fluoxetine should be taken in the morning, not the evening, as it can interrupt sleep so I think I will take my next dose with breakfast tomorrow.

Wednesday – Day two

9:30am

Woke up feeling absolutely fine apart from a bit tired because I was late getting to sleep last night. I don’t think that had anything to do with the medication though, I’m just a natural night owl and really have to force myself to go to sleep before midnight.

I took the fluoxetine with my breakfast this morning. I don’t know if it’s anxiety, or the meds kicking in, or the fact that I took the two doses only 12 hours apart, but I’ve been feeling sick since breakfast. I took a domperidone tablet but it didn’t really seem to help. Two hours later and I’m finally starting to feel normal again.

11.20am

The nausea has gone and I’m feeling pretty much normal again now. A little lightheaded a few times today, but that could just be lack of sleep.

8:00pm

I’m really pleased that apart from a couple of hours of feeling nauseous this morning, I’ve been absolutely fine for the rest of the day. I’m absolutely exhausted now, but again I think that’s lack of sleep rather than the medication. I’m just waiting for my mum to drop something over and then I’m going to try and get an early night, although it’s so hot here I’m not sure that’s going to happen.

Thursday – Day three

8:55pm

I don’t really have anything to report today. I took the fluoxetine after the school run today because yesterday I really struggled to get the girls to school after taking it because I felt quite unwell. But today I took it and felt just fine. I haven’t noticed any difference in my mood yet, but I wasn’t really expecting to this early.

Saturday – Day five

9:10am

I have to be very careful writing this, because it would be all too easy to attribute everything unusual to medication when it might not have anything to do with it.

The last couple of days I’ve been very, very tired. Yesterday afternoon, while looking after my nephew, I fell asleep on the sofa. I was only asleep for about half an hour because that’s when my sister came back, but it’s really not like me to take daytime naps at all. Even when I’ve been awake all night I usually just get an early night rather than taking a nap during the day.

Also, for the last three days, I’ve woken up at almost exactly 5am each morning. That also is unusual for me as I’m a very heavy sleeper and when I’m very tired, as I have been, I often sleep right through my alarm no matter how loud it is. I did manage to get back to sleep fairly quickly each time but it seems very odd to me.

Last night I had very vivid and slightly disturbing dreams. I very rarely remember my dreams, and they’re never that vivid, unless I’m very sleep deprived. And by that I mean when I’ve stayed awake for 36 hours or more. I know I’ve been tired lately and I am a little sleep deprived, but I’ve only missed a few hours each night so I wasn’t expecting dreams like that.

Like I said, it’s easy to blame all this on the medication but it’s probably just a coincidence.

Today I’m going to experiment a little with the propranolol. This has been prescribed to me to take as needed when I begin to panic but I’m a little wary. I’ve read some people’s accounts of feeling much worse after taking it so I don’t want to wait until I really need it and just hope for the best. I’d rather take a dose now, when I’m reasonably calm and monitor my reaction to it. Since I don’t have the girls today, and I don’t need to be anywhere, I figured now is as good a time as any. I’m probably being paranoid and it probably won’t have any effect on me at all today, but I’d rather know what to expect when I do need it.

2:15pm

I’ve just taken 10mg propranolol. It has taken me this long to work up the courage and now I’m really scared about side effects. Keeping my fingers crossed that it’s just paranoia and in a few hours time I’ll be wondering why I made such a fuss about it. Oh well, it’s in my system now so all I can do is wait and see I guess.

5:55pm

Well, I was absolutely fine for the first couple of hours, but for the last hour and a half I’ve had really painful trapped wind. Again, not sure if it’s down to the tablet or just a coincidence so guess I’m going to need to do another trial run to see if it happens again. I’m not going to be able to take these when I’m out and about if I’m going to react like this to them.

Apart from that though, no adverse effects. No dizziness, no ‘spaced out’ feeling, a little nausea but that’s probably more down to anxiety than anything. The only thing I did notice was that it took my heart rate down to about 60bpm, where it was about 76bpm before taking the tablet. Not sure if that’s a lot, guess I should probably ask the doctor about that.

Sunday – Day six

8:30am

Very, very tired this morning. No 5am wake up, but I woke up at least three or four times between 6am-8am. I drifted back off fairly quickly each time, but still really unusual for me to keep waking like that. I found it really difficult to get up when I eventually did at 8am. Had very vivid dreams again last night.

Monday – Day seven

3:30am

I went to bed around 10:30pm and had no trouble getting to sleep, but I’ve been awake now since 2am. I tossed and turned for about an hour before finally giving in and getting up. I’m starting to think that this must be the fluoxetine, because I never have this much trouble sleeping any other time.

I was exhausted all day yesterday, and even took another short nap. I didn’t sleep for more than half an hour though, so I’m pretty sure that’s not what has kept me awake tonight.

12:50pm

And so begins the yawning… I’m so sick of being this tired all the time!

Also feeling kind of down today and having trouble motivating myself to do anything. Is this where the trouble begins, or am I just having an off day?

Walking journal #5

2009-07-06T03:38:00.001+01:00

I’m doing away with the maps for now because they’re getting repetitive and a bit tedious. Also it will shorten the posts a bit so I can cut them back down to one a week as I originally intended. I’ll probably still post a map if I make any significant progress, but it seems a bit silly to keep doing it for every walk.

Monday – am

9.5 mins – 0.5 miles

Still taking it easy and focusing more on consistency than distance. Just two blocks this morning with very little anxiety. Babysitting this afternoon so it might be a bit tricky to get out, but I will try.

Tuesday – am

23.5 mins – 0.5 miles

Only a short walk this morning, just down to the park and back, but a long time outside because it’s sports day today so I was hanging around at the park for 10 minutes or so waiting for Paige’s second race. Unfortunately I missed the first one, and I was so anxious there was no way I could wait any longer for the third one, but I did manage to catch the egg and spoon race and she came second!

Wednesday – am

21.5 mins – 0.5 miles

Same as yesterday because it’s Evie’s sports day today. Again managed to catch one race, but without my sister there this time so it was a real struggle. I had to wait through about six other races before Evie’s so I think I did really well to stick around. Very high anxiety the whole time I was there though.

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And that’s it. It really hasn’t been the best of weeks for me. I’ve been so tired from taking the fluoxetine, walking has been the last thing on my mind. Ah well, new week new start, I will try to be a bit more consistent this week.

More adventures! – Part 2

2009-07-01T20:48:00.001+01:00

So, where was I? Ah, that’s right, it was Wednesday morning and I was feeling calmer than I expected.

Still, I knew I was definitely going to need an extra push so I took a diazepam around 8:30am. Over the rest of the morning I gradually became more and more agitated, but thankfully my sister was here and she helped to take my mind off things and stop me from going into full blown panic. By about lunch time I realised that one tablet just wasn’t going to do the trick, so I took another.

After lunch we called a taxi and it was finally time to leave. I really struggled with the journey and even after 4mg of diazepam I was still extremely anxious. Several times I came very close to asking the driver to turn around. Again, the only thing that kept me going was the thought that if I didn’t do it this time, I would just have to go through all this stress again in a week or two. And second time around it would be harder because I’d already have failed once.

The taxi dropped us right in the middle of town, although I’m not really sure why we asked to be dropped there since it was a good five minutes walk from the Jobcentre. I guess I had some vague idea of wandering around a few shops for a while to try to relax a little – retail therapy can work wonders! However, it was soon apparent that there was no way that was going to work. I was already getting worked up about whether or not I would be able to manage the walk so we decided to just get it over with.

I had to stop in a pub to use the bathroom on the way and then my sister mentioned a little cafe that was just across the road from the Jobcentre, so we decided to wait out the last half hour before my appointment in there. It was a little nerve-wracking sitting there, but it wasn’t too bad, and I knew that I’d at least gotten the worst of it out of the way.

Finally it was time for my appointment. There was one more worrying moment when the security guard tried to stop my sister coming up with me, but I explained that I suffered from panic attacks and had been told I could bring someone with me so he let her through. I was seen straight away which was great because I’m really not good with waiting. The interview probably took no more than about ten minutes and I felt really at ease the whole time – in fact, it was the easiest part of the day!

Afterwards we headed off to the leisure centre which was just across the road so I could just take a little time to relax before going home. In hindsight, we probably should have had the first taxi drop us there, it would have made things a little easier. We hung out at the spectator area by the pool for a little while before calling a taxi to go home. It took a little longer than I would have liked to arrive but the journey back was relatively painless, I was just happy to be heading home!

More adventures! – Part 1

2009-06-30T22:25:00.001+01:00

I started writing this post a couple of weeks ago, but typically of me I’ve not gotten around to finishing it yet, so I’m going to post it in two parts. I’ll try to get the second part written up in the next couple of days.

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A couple of weeks ago I got a letter from the Jobcentre, asking me to come for a ‘pathways to work’ interview. I wasn’t too concerned because I’ve had these kind of letters before and I have always phoned them up, told them I couldn’t make it because I’m agoraphobic and had the interview over the phone instead. So I made the usual phone call, I was told that someone would get back to me, and I didn’t give it much thought after that.

Then, last Friday, a man showed up at my door to talk about me attending the interview. Apparently there’s been a change of policy and everyone has to attend these interviews, no excuses, no exceptions. My initial reaction was absolute terror. Only the day before I had gotten into a taxi for the first time in three and a half years, and gone half the distance I would need to go for this interview. It was way too soon for me to think about getting to town!

I felt really sorry for the guy mind, he was really lovely about it all, tried really hard to put me at ease and made it clear that he understood and agreed with me totally, and I just cried for pretty much the whole time he was there! I could tell he felt horrible about upsetting me. Anyway, eventually I calmed down and told him that I couldn’t promise anything, but I agreed to at least try to make it to an interview the following Wednesday.

So, for the next few days, especially Monday and Tuesday, I was pretty anxious. Tuesday was the worst – I was on edge all day, I couldn’t relax all day and I felt really ill. I think that’s probably one of the most anxious days I’ve ever had. It was definitely the most prolonged bout of anxiety I’ve ever had to deal with.

Wednesday morning I got up and I was surprisingly a little calmer. I think by then I had managed to persuade myself that I was just going to have to do whatever it took to get through the day, because if I cancelled, I would just have to go through all this again in a week or two.

New blog – project 365

2009-06-30T22:19:00.001+01:00

So, after stumbling across project 365 a few times recently I decided to create a new blog for my very own project 365.

It might not be of interest to many people, but I’m hoping it will be a nice little project for me, and something to occupy me other than those MMO’s I waste so much time on.

Feel free to stop by and let me know what you think, and I apologise in advance for my awful photography skills!

Busy day

2009-06-30T16:29:00.001+01:00

This morning was Paige’s sports day. I hate sports days. I want to be one of those mums who stands on the finish line cheering on her children while making sure to capture the whole thing on video, but the reality is of course very different.

I had to ask my sister to go along and do the ‘mum bit’ for me because I knew there was no way that I was going to be able to stand around in the park for an hour or more. In fact, I managed about 10-15 minutes and thankfully was able to watch one race. It was the egg and spoon race and she came second. When I was a kid I was the one who came last in every race, so I was very proud to see Paige doing so well!

This afternoon came a visit to the doctor’s. I was a little anxious in the taxi on the way there, but it’s definitely getting easier. I was there to get another sick note, but while I was there I told her how much progress I have made and asked if there was any extra support I might be able to get.

Well, I’ve come home with a whole heap of medication. She has given me some more diazepam, which I take occasionally anyway, just a 2mg dose when I really need a little extra push to get me out the door. I have fluoxetine but in a liquid form so that I can start off with a low dose. The usual dose is 20mg per day, but I’m to start on 10mg and see how that goes. I also have 10mg domperidone which is an antiemetic because I mentioned that last time I took an antidepressant the nausea was so bad that I couldn’t leave the house for weeks. And lastly 10mg propranolol which is a beta-blocker. I’m supposed to take that one when I start to feel panicky and they should help to control the symptoms.

I’m a bit wary of all this medication, and I’ve been putting off taking antidepressants for years now, because I had so much trouble with the cipralex I was put on the first time I went to the doctor. To be honest, if I hadn’t been put on those in the first place, I might never have gotten as bad as I have. But there’s no point worrying about that now I guess. Now though, I’m at the point where I’m willing to try anything to get me well again and if that means antidepressants then I’m going to take antidepressants.

The other thing she’s offered me is CBT which amazingly, although it’s supposed to be the best therapy for agoraphobia, is something I’ve never been offered before. It’s going to mean going into town once a week for the sessions, but I think I’m finally in a place where I might be able to manage to do that, and hopefully these new meds will help make the journey a little easier.

So, new meds, new therapy and hopefully a new beginning for me!

And one final positive thing that happened today. We got a taxi home from the surgery, dropped my sister home on the way, and I coped absolutely fine with the last mile all by myself in the taxi!

Walking journal #4

2009-06-29T09:54:00.001+01:00

Thursday, 25th June – am

12 mins – 0.6 miles

Off to a much better start this morning. I totally took the pressure off and decided that even if I walked one block it was ok, because consistency is more important than distance right now. No pressure meant I was more relaxed and I actually managed four blocks, so I’m happy with that. No anxiety, just a nice, easy walk.

Thursday, 25th June – pm

7.5 mins – 0.5 miles

Second walk of the day. I can’t remember the last time I did two walks in one day, and that’s ridiculous, because I should be doing at least that every day. When I got to the top of the road, it was really tempting to go back along the part where I panicked yesterday, but I know that if I do it again so soon, and panic again, I will really struggle to go there again for a long time. I think I’m going to give myself a few days to build up a bit more confidence before I tackle that stretch again.

Friday, 26th June – am

9.5 mins – 0.4 miles

It’s been raining all day today and I’d normally use that as an excuse, but this morning I grabbed my umbrella and set off for walk number one. Only one block, I don’t like walking in the rain. Glad I did something though.

Friday, 26th June – pm

8 mins – 0.5 miles

Two blocks this time, still avoiding that stretch where I panicked the other day. No, avoiding is the wrong word – having a break from it. No real anxiety except when it started to rain but I was already halfway by then.

Saturday, 27th June – am

19.5 mins – 0.7 miles

A good walk today. Longer than it should be for the distance because we took a detour to the shop for the girls to spend their pocket money. I normally dread this because it takes them ages to choose what they want but this week it was fairly painless. We were going to go straight home from the shop, but decided to take in an extra block. It’s a beautiful sunny day so seemed a shame to rush home.

Saturday, 27th June – pm

9.5 mins – 0.5 miles

A shorter walk this afternoon, more because of the heat than anything – bring back yesterday’s rain! I’m kidding of course, it’s nice to have some sun, but I tire out quickly when it’s hot.

Walking journal #3

2009-06-24T14:50:00.001+01:00

Thursday, 18th June – am

15 mins – 0.8 miles

Writing this up a day late (I’ve been slacking!) so forgotten most of what I was going to write. Hadn’t walked much at all for a few days because I was so anxious about Wednesday’s trip to town. This was me getting back in the swing of things.

Tuesday, 23rd June – am

10 mins – 0.3 miles

Really struggling with consistency at the moment, and I have no idea why. I didn’t go far at all this morning, and leaving the house at all lately feels like a real chore. It’s not even anxiety that’s stopping me really, just laziness. I think I need to find a new way to motivate myself, but I’m stuck for ideas at the moment.

Wednesday, 24th June – pm

10 mins – 0.5 miles

This walk was horrible. By the time I was at the furthest point I was shaking, I had chest pains, I felt really hot, I was short of breath and I was nearly in tears. As I looked at each person I passed I had this overwhelming urge to scream at them ‘Please help me, can’t you see how scared I am, I can’t get home!’ Writing that now it seems so melodramatic, but that’s exactly what was running through my head at the time.

I think I need to take a bit of a step back with walking. I think I’ve built it up so much in my head that because I can sometimes do six or more blocks that I have to try to do that every time, but all I’m really doing is putting pressure on myself and making it feel like a chore. The last few weeks I’ve only been doing a couple of walks a week. I think I need to start making my walks a bit shorter now, but make sure that I go out twice a day, every day, no matter what.

Bullies

2009-06-16T16:29:00.001+01:00

I’m absolutely fuming right now. Paige has just come home for the second day in a row to tell me that some of the local kids have been picking on her.

There have been minor incidents in the past, name calling, throwing grass etc but although she mentioned them she didn’t seem too upset so I let it go thinking it’s just kids being kids and it’ll all blow over.

Yesterday though she came home very upset. Four kids from her class had cornered her as she was on her way to her friend’s house and one of them punched her in the back. Then they all ran off before she had a chance to do anything about it.

Now she’s just come home again upset. Two of the kids from yesterday (not the one that punched her) and another kid from her class all cornered her again, and this time were taking it in turns to take her hat and throw it around. I know it’s just kids stuff, but she’s obviously really upset.

Then, the cheeky blighters had the nerve to come around here! As Paige was telling me what had happened I could hear them outside. “This is where she lives.” “Go on, knock the door.” “No, you knock.” etc along with lots of giggling.

I went out and gave them a right telling off. How dare they come knocking my door after the way they’ve been treating my daughter? What a cheek! Eventually the one girl did ask me to tell Paige she was sorry, but I don’t know how sincere her apology is.

Anyway, I’m not really sure what to do about it now. I’ve reluctantly let Paige go back out to play, because I don’t want her to feel punished for the way that other children behave. But I’ve told her to try to stay away from those kids, and try to make sure that she always has a friend with her. I’m still worried though, these kids are probably going to be angry that Paige has told on them, and that I gave them a telling off.

I don’t know most of the kids’ parents, but I do know the one boy’s father and he seems to be a reasonable man, so I will probably have a word with him. I did threaten the kids by telling them that I knew who all their parents were, so I hope that will make them think twice. I’m also thinking about writing a note to the headmistress. I know the incidents have happened outside school, so there’s probably nothing she can do, but I think it’s probably a good idea to give her the names so that she can at least keep an eye on the situation in school.

Any other suggestions would be very welcome, I hate to see my baby being upset like this. She’s such a nice, sweet, polite girl, but then it’s always the nice ones that get targeted, isn’t it?

Walking journal #2

2009-06-16T09:46:00.001+01:00

Friday, 5th June – am

13 min 51 sec. 0.6 miles.

Just three blocks again today. Really wanted to do more, but my stomach’s been playing up again since last night, so it’s difficult. On the plus side, I think I may finally be learning to ignore it a little, but still don’t want to push it too much. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be feeling a little better later and will hopefully be able to go a little further.

Wednesday, 10th June – am

11 min 18 sec

Have let things slip the last week, really been finding it difficult to motivate myself. I had to push myself really hard this morning just to walk around two blocks. It was a real struggle.

Wednesday, 10th June – pm

14 min – 0.8 miles

Much better walk this afternoon. I was feeling so down and disappointed this morning that I knew that I had to really go for it this morning and try to go for my maximum. Well, I missed the last block, but that’s ok, considering the frame of mind I was in this morning. It’s ok to have a couple of bad days, but I am not going to let myself slip backwards again, I’ve worked too hard for this.

Thursday, 11th June – am

21 mins – 0.9 miles

Another good walk this morning. These longer walks are beginning to become more normal for me now.

Monday, 15th June – am

8 mins – 0.4 miles

After each big success seems to always come a big slump. Thursday was an amazing day, the biggest leap in progress I have made in a long time, but it took it’s toll on me and I’ve been pretty drained since then. So, forcing myself to get back out there today, I managed one block. Not much, but it’s something. Hopefully will be able to do a little more this afternoon.

Adventures!

2009-06-11T12:50:00.002+01:00

So, the walking, for the most part is going pretty well. For a while now I’ve been toying with the idea of tackling public transport so that I can start to go a bit further afield. At first I was thinking of starting with buses. I can buy an all day ticket fairly cheap, so thought that maybe once a week I could do that, and just hop on and off buses all day, starting off just going one or two stops and walking back home, and eventually going a little further each time. The trouble with that though, is that I’m absolutely terrified of getting stuck somewhere. I can’t help worrying that I might make it into town, and then just not be able to face the journey back home again. So, I think the only solution to that is taxis. If I can get comfortable using taxis, I can be a bit braver with going further out of my comfort zone, because I will always have a safe way to travel home.

So, today was taxi day! My sister came over after we dropped the kids off at school. It took me about an hour to pluck up the courage to actually call for a taxi. Thankfully, once I did, it was here within minutes, so I didn’t have much time to get worked up or change my mind about it. I hopped in, and this is the route we took

Just to my sister’s house, not far, just over a mile away. It was a pretty easy journey, but I had my sister nattering away the whole way, and that helped to distract me. We stayed there for a little while, we went out the back so that I could see her rabbit which I’ve never seen before, but I was high from my taxi triumph and itching to do more. I suggested going for a walk. I wasn’t intending to go far, but just figured it would do me good to walk somewhere out of my comfort zone for a change.

We ended up half a mile away in a cafe on the local High Street! Unfortunately I did get quite anxious while we were there. The waitress took 15 minutes to bring us two milkshakes, and I was quite aware of the fact that we didn’t have long until we would have to head back for my sister to pick up my nephew from nursery. I only ended up drinking half my milkshake, there just wasn’t time. Then the taxi couldn’t find the cafe, so we ended up having to wait outside for about five more minutes (I’m not good with the waiting!) and to top it off we bumped into my sister’s hairdresser friend who took one look at me and said ‘Look at your hair!’. Yeah, thanks for that, I know it’s a mess, wasn’t exactly expecting to bump into anyone today… Anyway, it might have been embarrassing, but at least it took my mind off the anxiety for a minute or two and I made the journey home relatively easily, in fact I barely even noticed when we had to stop and wait at some traffic lights.

So, all in all, a very productive morning. And I haven’t even mentioned yet the seven block walk I did before all of this! It took 4mg of valium to calm my nerves, but I’ve done a seven block walk, taken two taxis, walked half a mile to a busy high street, sat in a cafe and survived a run in with a critical hairdresser! Bring on the next challenge, I’m ready for it!

Edit: Just wanted to add, that some of the stretch I walked today was where my first big panic attack happened, the catalyst that turned my anxiety into full blown agoraphobia. I will write about that at some point later, but I am pleased to say that I was able to tell my sister the story this morning (I've never told the full story to anyone before) while walking that stretch, with a smile on my face.

Walking journal

2009-06-04T10:20:00.005+01:00

I’ve been feeling like I’ve not been making much progress again lately, so I’ve decided to start keeping a journal of each walk that I do. Hopefully this will remind me of just how much I’m actually getting out, and also spur me on to do a little extra.

So, I’m going to update a draft each day with pictures of my routes, time taken etc. Originally I was going to post it once a week, but seeing how long it will be with all the pictures, I think I will post it every three days or so. Hopefully as the weeks go by I will be able to see the boundaries moving further and further from my home.

All times are counted from leaving my home to returning, including any stops or detours along the way, so are not always accurate for the distance walked. All distances are approximate and taken from Google maps.

Journal #1

Journal #2

Journal #3

Walking journal #1

2009-06-04T09:26:00.001+01:00

Posting this a day earlier than planned because I’ve had such a good day today and I’m so proud of myself!

Wednesday, 3rd June - am

Have unexpectedly ended up walking around a new block this morning, which is actually the block that I grew up on! My sister was going straight home from the school this morning so I walked down my street with her, and instead of turning left where I usually would I decided to carry on with her and take in that extra block.

Wednesday, 3rd June – pm

8 min 15 sec.My tummy is not my friend today and I didn’t feel like risking straying too far from the house so just went around the two blocks. Still, pleased with myself that I at least made the effort. There was a time that I just would have stayed home.

Thursday, 4th June - am

17 min 32 sec – 0.8 miles

My own personal best – seven whole blocks! And with surprisingly little anxiety too. That’s not to say it was easy, just easier than I would have expected. Some days, like yesterday, I get really frustrated with how slowly I am progressing. And then other days I’m rewarded with a walk like this, and I begin to see a glimmer of hope for the future once again.

Thursday, 4th June – pm

16 min 32 sec – 0.9 miles

A minute less than this morning’s walk, because that one included dropping the girls to school, but look – eight and a half blocks!!! I am absolutely over the moon right now, because it’s finally starting to sink in that I can do this if I can just stay in the right frame of mind. Sometimes all it takes is a good day, like today, to give me a little boost and remind me that even if things sometimes seem slow, I’m on the right track. There was only one anxious moment on this walk, and it had nothing to do with agoraphobia. As I was walking past someone’s garden a german shepherd came running out of nowhere and started barking loudly and I jumped a mile, but of course I was laughing a second later :)

Who am I?

2009-06-02T13:14:00.003+01:00

Hello, my name is Mel, and I’m agoraphobic.

What else can I tell you about myself? Well, not a lot, actually.

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. I’ve just been feeling a bit flat lately. Not down or depressed, just flat. I was ill for a while, as I mentioned in my video entry, which held me back for about a week, and since then I’ve just not made much progress. I have though, become rather introspective recently and the question above is one that I have been asking myself a lot.

I’ve been agoraphobic since December 2005. That’s three and a half long years. It’s long enough that my children don’t remember me being any other way, they were four and two when things changed.

At first it was just a condition. A new challenge in my life which I would have to learn to cope with and attempt to overcome. Gradually, over time, it has come to define me.

I think that people sympathise with people like us, but they don’t really realise just how much it can affect a person’s life. Ok, I can’t go out much any more, but there are ways of getting around that. Shopping can be delivered, friends and family members can be called on for lifts, to make sure the girls get out, to pick up little things that can’t be delivered. There are practical ways to deal with the day to day things that other people take for granted.

But it’s not just the day to day things that we have to cope with. Agoraphobia has stolen everything that I used to be.

Most of my life was lived outside of this house. I was one of those people who would be climbing the walls with frustration if I had to stay indoors for more than a day or two at a time. Often I would walk into town three or four times a week even when I had no money to spend, just for a reason to get out of the house. Meet a friend for coffee, take the girls to soft play, or just wander around the shops and do some window shopping.

I have always walked for pleasure. Having to walk an hour to get somewhere was rarely a chore to me, but something to be enjoyed. Any time I was feeling down, a walk would always help me to clear my head, get my thoughts in order and make everything seem a little brighter.

I can still remember my routine when the girls were little. Monday was ‘time 4 u’ – a group run by Sure Start for parents who were coping with depression or anxiety (I had mild post-natal depression at the time). Tuesday Paige would go to nursery in the morning, and I would usually wander into town with Evie. Tuesday afternoon was gymtots. Wednesday was the imaginatively named ‘Wednesday morning group’ which was a mother and toddler group again run by Sure Start. Thursday was payday. Paige would be in nursery again, and I would usually wander down to Morrison’s to do the shopping. The afternoon would usually be spent running errands in town. Friday was my only free day, but that was usually spent out with my sister or a friend, I would very rarely be home.

I was never a social butterfly, or the most confident of people, but for the most part I was a reasonably bright, friendly and chatty person. I liked who I was, and the direction my life was heading.

Now though, I don’t know who I am, but I know I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t mean my physical appearance, but the empty shell that I see looking back at me. Everything that I was is gone, it’s like I’ve been hollowed out and totally filled with anxiety – there’s just no more room for anything else.

Agoraphobia has stolen so much. My friends, one by one, have drifted off. Out of sight, out of mind, and I am most definitely out of sight these days. Things that I previously enjoyed – walking, shopping, swimming, the gym etc are just not possible any more. The things that are still possible, I just don’t seem to enjoy as much. I used to practically swallow books whole, now it takes me several months to read anything. All crafts have been forgotten about and the materials needed for them, once carefully taken care of, are now discarded under the bed or in the wardrobe. Any confidence I once had has been completely stripped away.

So back to the original question – who am I? As I said, I’m agoraphobic, and it is quite literally eating away at me, at who I am. I wonder if soon there will be nothing left of me at all. I wake up and I’m anxious. I go out and I’m anxious. I stay home and I’m anxious. I go to sleep and I’m anxious. It has become everything that I am.

The most frightening thing for me though, is what will happen if I take away the anxiety? Will my personality suddenly pop out from some hidden place and say ‘Hey, remember me? I was hidden here all along, why did it take you so long to find me?’ Or will I be left with the empty shell, with not even anxiety left to fill the void.

Who put that gate there?

2009-05-09T15:00:00.001+01:00

I just got off the phone to my mum, and after telling her that I made it to the bottom of the steps today with no problem, she asked me if I could get to the gate. What gate? Seems she neglected to mention it to me before, and it definitely wasn’t there the last time I walked across the docks. This picture is from Google street view again, and taken from the far side, so you can see the road behind it that I will have to walk down to reach it. Seems I have a bit further to go yet!

Video entry

2009-05-09T12:07:00.003+01:00

I’ll be honest, I almost decided not to post this. I seem to have spent a lot of time pointing the camera down at the floor so *note to self* – make sure to hold the camera up next time! Anyway, I thought about redoing it on Monday when I wouldn’t have the girls with me, but then I realised I was being a perfectionist and this video pretty much shows what I wanted it to show, even if it’s not done perfectly, so here it is :)

So, as you can see, we made it to the bottom of the steps with ease. I think the filming was a bit of a distraction for me and helped me to take my mind off my usual negative thoughts. I stopped when I did because I'd pretty much run out of things to say and I was aware it was getting quite long already, but we went on to walk around four blocks afterwards, so it was a pretty good walk.

New direction

2009-05-08T22:52:00.001+01:00

This is the view (image from Google street view) from my house. I both love and hate this view. I grew up with this view as I had the front bedroom in the house I grew up in two blocks down the road, and I used to spend hours just staring out of the window, watching the whole town going about their business. This picture really doesn’t do it justice, you can see most of the town from here, and it’s beautiful, especially on a sunny day. Of course these days it’s bitter sweet. My computer is in the bedroom, right by the window, so I spend a large portion of my day looking out at this view. I still appreciate the beauty of it as much as I did as a child, but now it serves as a reminder every day that there is a whole world out there that I can see, but it’s just beyond my reach.

The red arrow, by the way, points to Morrison’s, the nearest supermarket. Just to the right of that is the leisure centre, which has a fantastic pool and gym which I would love to be able to visit regularly, and just a little further to the right (although not visible from my house) is the town centre.

This (another one from Google street view) is what separates me from the places in the first picture. These steps are just down the road, opposite the next block along, and they lead on to the docks. From here, it’s about a mile to the supermarket. That’s not much further than the six block circuit I’ve been doing already. It’s going to be a long time before I can manage that walk. Walking a mile away from the house is going to be a lot different to walking almost a mile around the house, where I’m never more than a few minutes away from home. But today I took the first steps.

This is the picture I took this afternoon from part of the way down the steps. So, as well as building on my normal walking route around the island, I plan now to slowly nudge forward with this direction as well. It’s going to be a long time before I can do it. My biggest worry is when I do make it over there, I don’t want to get stuck, so I’m going to need to tackle taxis or buses before I even think about going all that way, but there’s another reason why I’m doing this now.

There’s only one road to drive on and off the island. During the summer at weekends and bank holidays, or any time the weather is hot, the road can get pretty busy with all the people visiting the beach and fairground. It’s not unusual for there to be queues of traffic and you can be stuck on that road for ten minutes or more, not moving, with no way to get off. Not surprisingly this sets off my anxiety, and can make me pretty reluctant to leave the island at all on some of the nicest days of the year which is a shame for me, and even more so for the girls. But, at the bottom of these steps is the road that leads across the docks. If I can manage to get to the bottom of the steps, my mum can easily meet me here with the car and we can avoid the traffic. Hopefully this will mean more family days out this summer! I know under normal circumstances I shouldn’t use avoidance techniques, but I think in this case it’s justifiable, because it will get me doing more, not less.

Two months on…

2009-05-07T19:51:00.001+01:00

It’s been just over two months since I broke up with the girls’ dad and the loneliness is starting to set in. I think I just miss the company more than I actually miss him, although sometimes I will think of some little thing that made me smile, back when things were good between us, and I wonder how it would be if things had worked out differently. Lately I find I’m having to remind myself more and more of why breaking up with him was a good decision.

I’m getting out more. When he was here, I hardly left the house. I wasn’t even doing all the school runs. More often than not I would do the morning run, and then send him to pick them up after school. I never went to the shop, and I couldn’t even manage to walk around the block. Now I don’t think twice about school or shop runs, I can walk around up to four blocks relatively easily, and have even managed to get around six blocks once. I would also stay at home at weekends, but now I’m going out with my mum most Sundays, even if we only go to her house, at least it gets me off the island and gives the girls a change of scenery.

I’m getting more housework done. Ok, so the house is still pretty messy, and there’s a long way to go before I’ll feel comfortable inviting people in, but the dishes are washed most days, there’s usually something wearable in our wardrobes, and you can usually see the carpet in the living room – a huge improvement. When he was here I resented doing any housework because he didn’t lift a finger. He said it was woman’s work. Well, if it’s woman’s work to do the housework (and I’m not saying it is) then it’s man’s work to bring home the bacon. He wasn’t doing his part, so why should I do mine? Now I’m doing it for myself, and it makes me smile to see it getting tidier, even if it is slow progress.

We’re better off financially. Or at least we were until recent events. I don’t know where half the money went when he was here, but all our money seemed to spend itself, every week. Nothing was ever put away for emergencies, or to save for a little treat, or to pay a little extra off the credit card. It didn’t seem to matter how tight I held the purse strings, the money seemed to slip away anyway. He was good at spending money without me noticing until it was gone, sometimes before I’d even had chance to pay off all the bills. Now I know where every penny goes, and when I get the current mess straightened out, I will be able to pay all the bills and tuck a little away for a rainy day.

I spend more time with the girls. In the past, the girls would come to me on the weekend asking if we could do something as a family – watch a film, go for a walk, play a game, whatever. I would ask him to join us, but he would be busy playing Age of Conan or some other MMO and his response would always be the same. I’m busy, we’ll do it later. It would take me hours of nagging to finally get him to agree to join us, by which time we wouldn’t have much time left to do anything. Now I can spend time with the girls on my schedule, without having to wait. Ok, so I could have done that before, but he’s their dad, and I really wanted to try to improve his relationship with them. Obviously, I was wasting my time.

I could go on really, but I think just those few things are enough of a reminder that I’m better off on my own. I’m a stronger and happier person, and it shows. I still have the occasional down day, when I wonder if I did the right thing, but overall things are getting better every day.

Do the girls miss him? No, not really. Occasionally they will mention him, but they don’t get upset that he’s not here, or ask to call and speak to him, or ask when he’s going to visit. I guess they got used to his lack of attention when he was here, things are not much different for them now that he’s gone. I should mention here, he’s not called them since two days after he left, two months ago. I wonder how any parent can voluntarily go two months without any contact with his children at all. I feel sorry for him, but I know in the long run, they’ll probably be better off if he stays away.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!

2009-05-07T16:51:00.001+01:00

Seriously, trying to get money from the government is like trying to get blood from a stone. Ok, so I made a post a few months ago about the trouble I was having trying to get a sick note for the benefit office so that I could claim employment and support allowance (the new version of incapacity benefit). I eventually got all that sorted out, received and posted my sick note and have been waiting patiently for my backdated payment ever since.

In the meantime, I’ve been living off my tax credits, it’s not much, but enough to pay the bills and have a few quid left over each week for little extras like bread and milk etc. A couple of weeks ago my tax credit payment didn’t get put in my bank account. I called them. Apparently they sent me some form (which I don’t have) and I failed to return it. Nothing they can do, I have to now reapply for tax credits.

Not to worry I thought, I still have some left from last week, I have child benefit due next week, and my two month back payment for my employment and support allowance should come through any day now.

Wrong. Last week we lived off the child benefit payment. Now that’s almost gone, I’ve got about £10 left in my purse. All I have left in the bank is the Christmas fund I pay into each month which I hate to break into, but I guess I can if it’s a real emergency. Still, there’s only enough there to last me a week.

In desperation I called the benefit office (I put it off because I hate making official phone calls) and they’ve told me that there’s a gap in the history of my medical certificate. I was able to self certificate (in other words they took my word for it) for the first week, and all dates after that should have been covered by my sick note. As I wasn’t able to see my doctor straight away, he told me he was going to backdate the certificate but apparently he didn’t as the note was only dated from the day I went to see him. I’m not covered for the dates between 11th-24th March. Apparently they can’t pay me any money, until these are covered, not even the money due to me for the dates that are covered. I asked why no one had let me know there was a problem, and the man on the phone informed me that it wasn’t their responsibility to do that. So, they deal with sick and disabled people every day, people who desperately need their help, yet they don’t think it’s a good idea to let them know if there’s a problem with their paperwork?

I am so frustrated right now I just want to scream! Two months I’ve been waiting for this money! I’m so sick of it all. And I’ve still got the medical examination to come! I’ve asked for that to take place in my home, but I won’t be at all surprised if they try to get me to go to some medical centre in Cardiff or something ridiculous. Honestly, I wish they’d just let me claim income support like I tried to do originally. It would mean less money, but it would at least be a lot less hassle!

Symptoms

2009-05-07T15:02:00.001+01:00

So, last week Nechtan (who has an excellent blog, by the way) asked me about my symptoms. Up until now I’ve deliberately avoided talking about my symptoms, but I decided to share.

First, I have a bit of a confession to make. I have never had a full blown hyperventilating, palpitations, feel like I’m about to faint or have a heart attack kind of panic attack. In fact, I’m not sure if what I experience can be described, at least medically, as panic at all. But, to me at least, it feels like panic, and so I describe it as such.

The reason I’ve avoided talking about my symptoms up until now is because they’re embarrassing, and to be honest, pretty weird. Instead of the usual hyperventilating, sweaty palms, my panic takes the form of a sudden and urgent need to rush to the bathroom. Despite the fact that it’s never happened to me before, I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to embarrass myself and have an ‘accident’ in public. As irrational and illogical as it might seem, my mind tells me that this fear is almost an inevitability, and I must stop it from happening at all costs. See – embarrassing and pretty weird!

Anyway, in a way this can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, my home isn’t the my only safe place, as long as I know there is a bathroom within easy reach I’m often (although not always) relatively comfortable which I guess makes me quite lucky. For example, providing I can face the journey, I can quite happily spend a few hours in my local town centre.

On the other hand, this makes travelling more than a short distance extremely difficult. Anything more than ten minutes or so walking or in a car and I’m pretty much a nervous wreck. Also, it makes it very difficult for me to do what’s recommended and stay put when I start to panic. I’m like a two year old who you can guarantee will need to use the bathroom at the most inconvenient time possible!

Challenge update

2009-04-29T14:04:00.002+01:00

So, when I posted the challenge this morning, the plan was to do a little each day, try to go a little further each time, and show my progress here over the course of the next week or two. But, things don't always work out as planned.

Right now I'm in shock. I did it! The whole route! I walked right around six whole blocks, and I lived to tell the tale! Ok, so I'm being a little dramatic there...

Honestly though, as I left the house I really didn't think I would be able to make it even as far as I did this morning. The anxiety started again, at about the same point as it did this morning, but I kept going anyway. I almost turned around at the same point as this morning to just do the two blocks again and come home. But, there was that section that I hadn't done yet - surely I could manage to just do that one more block? It wasn't easy, and I really had to push myself, but somehow I got around and found myself by the local shop. Well, I could do one more block, the next bit took me past the little park and I have walked that way back from the shop lots of times, so it's not so scary - off I went.

And that was almost it. I was feeling ok by now, back in a safe area, and the closest this route was going to take me to my house. I had pushed myself, walked around four blocks, and that was enough for today. But I had this niggling little voice in the back of my head that said 'come on, you've come this far, you might as well go all the way now'.

The last two blocks were the hardest. I'll be honest, I really terrified myself. But, you know what? It was exhillerating! By the time I was halfway around my fear had turned into excitement because I had reached my goal already. By the time I got home, I felt like I'd just gotten off a rollercoaster - I was on a real adrenaline high and it felt great!

The big question is of course, will I be able to do it again? Today was unusual, because instead of letting the fear stop me, I somehow turned it around and used it to spur me on. Today has definitely shown me that with the right attitude and determination, I can achieve more than I thought I was capable of. Today has been a good day!

Challenge

2009-04-29T09:49:00.006+01:00

So, the last few weeks I've been really trying to work on getting out and walking more, and pushing at the boundries of my safe zone. I've now got a total of six blocks that I can walk around, apart from that red bit I've marked which I've not done yet. The trouble is, although I can walk around most of these streets now, so far I've only been walking around one or two of these blocks at a time, and each walk takes me less than ten minutes.

So now I want to start working on increasing the distance that I walk, and I've decided to start by attempting to walk the circuit above, which takes in all six blocks I can currently walk around. The whole route is just under a mile, and should take me about 15-20 minutes to walk, which is a bit daunting, but not really that much longer than I'm doing already, and even at the furthest point, I know I won't be more than a few minutes walk from my house, so I can easily get back home if I really feel I need to.

I went for the first walk this morning, and the green outline shows how far I got. I got pretty anxious on this one, knowing how far I was trying to go. I nearly turned back before I'd gotten even halfway to the top of my street, but somehow I convinced myself to keep going, and I'm glad I at least got as far as I did. I'm going to try to do this walk at least twice a day, hopefully going a bit further each time, so I'll come back and post how I get on this afternoon.

Now though, I need to go to the shop, the electric meter's just started beeping at me and I'm on the emergency. Fun!

Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside!

2009-04-26T17:40:00.003+01:00

We've been down to the seafront this afternoon with my mum and my nephew. We didn't venture onto the beach, just spent an hour or so wandering around the prom and the arcades. The kids had fun on some of the rides, and got some pretty hair accessories from the tuppeny pushers. Thought I'd share some pictures, although they're not the best quality since I forgot my camera and had to take these on my phone.

This last one isn't the best photo of our local beach, I took it in a bit of a hurry as we were heading back to the car, but on a clear day like today, we can see all the way over to Somerset. You can just see the hills here, over the water.

Slow progress

2009-04-26T10:00:00.003+01:00

I've added a few more lines to the map this week, but overall it's been a pretty slow week. Last week I was longing for the holidays to be over so I could get back to normal, but that's not really happened. My sister has been over every morning this week. Since I live just across the road from the school, she often pops over in the morning after she drops my nephew to school for a cup of tea and a chat, but she doesn't usually stop for long. Monday, Wednesday and Friday she usually heads off to the gym, and Thursday she goes into town to run some errands. But this week she's stayed all morning every day except Thursday. I love my sister to bits, but I don't get a lot done when she's here! We usually end up chatting, watching TV, playing computer games etc. Anything but what I should be doing which is going for walks and getting the house tidied! Still, she did do my ironing for me on Monday, so I'll let her off ;)

Tuesday was the day of Evie's friend's party, and I managed to get her there without too much trouble. I had a few pangs of anxiety on the way there, but I ignored them and kept going. She was so excited about the party, and she had a fantastic time, so I'm really pleased that I managed to do that for her, even if I did end up relying on my mum to bring her home again.

Friday I went to a new shop. Well, it's not a new shop exactly, it used to be the post office, and I'd been in there hundreds of times before. But maybe a year ago it was converted into a Costcutter, and I've not been in there since, so it was nice to go have a nose, although I have to say that I miss the old post office.

This morning we went for a walk around the block that's to the left of us on the map. That's the block where the school is, and although I walk to the school and back often, I haven't been right around that block for a long time. I think I'm going to try and do that walk a couple more times in the next week, and hopefully add in another block or two.

So, slow progress, but bit by bit I'm getting a little further. In the past I've gotten frustrated with taking so long to push the boundries, but I'm starting to see it more like a diet. Sure you can starve yourself for a few weeks before a holiday, and lose weight really quickly for that bikini, but you'll soon put it all right back on again. But lose a couple of pounds a week over the course of a year and you're much more likely to keep it off.

A couple of years ago, I was going through a really good patch with anxiety. I had managed a day out with the girls to a nearby farm, and even a trip to an out of town shopping area a little further away, and I got a bit ahead of myself. I asked my mum to take me out to Ikea, about ten miles away. The journey there went surprisingly well, I wasn't at all anxious. We spent an hour or so wandering around the store, and although there were a few uncomfortable moments, I coped fine. All was going well until I realised the store would be closing in about 15 minutes, and I realised that it wouldn't be my choice when to make the return journey, I would have to go home because the store was closing. That was the beginning of the worst panic attack I've ever had, and it lasted almost the whole journey home. After that, I found myself right back at square one, unable to leave the island at all, or walk further than the school.

So now I'm happy with slow progress. Sometimes it's frustrating, but whenever I feel like pushing myself to go further and faster, I remind myself of the Ikea trip. As much as I want my life back, I know that rushing myself is not the way to go.

June 2005 - Loch Ness

2009-04-24T14:33:00.005+01:00

"There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats" - Kenneth Graham, The Wind in the Willows

I meant to write this post weeks ago, as a follow up to this post about my english class, but I've been a little distracted of late and so I've been putting it off.

I'd like to start this post by mentioning the fact that I love boats. Always have. When I was ten years old my mum took me and my sister on a one day cruise on the Balmoral over to Clevedon. When I was twelve, as part of an adventure holiday in the Brecon Beacons, I went sailing in a wayfarer. Two years later on a similar holiday I went canoeing in a canadian canoe. My first date with the girls' father, we went rowing on a lake in Nottingham. A few weeks later I found myself in a speedboat at Bridlington. I always wanted to go white water rafting, but unfortunately haven't had the opportunity yet.

Anyway, the point is, I don't get seasick - ever. It didn't matter how big or small, fast or slow the boat was, I was always in my element. So you would think that a cruise on Loch Ness would have been the highlight of my two week holiday in Aberdeen.

And it should have been. At least, I'd certainly been looking forward to it. I was staying with a friend for a couple of weeks and we'd already had plenty of fun days out with the kids, but it was the trip to Loch Ness, and another trip later that week to see the dolphins at Moray Firth, that I was most excited about.

We were supposed to be taking a cruise with a company called Jacobite who, from the look of their brochures and website, have some lovely boats. The journey there was long, but pretty uneventful, with the kids being well behaved watching a dvd in the back of the car. Everything was going well until my friend missed the turning for the place that did the cruises. I told him he'd missed it, but he swore that he hadn't and carried on going. A good way down the road he finally had to admit that I'd probably been right, and he'd missed it. We decided that there wasn't much point going back at this point, we'd already come a fair way so we might as well continue and find somewhere else to catch a boat.

We ended up driving the entire length of the loch, found a picturesque little town called Fort Augustus, and decided to find a boat there. We hired this tiny little boat, just big enough for the four of us and the captain. A far cry from the cruise I had been anticipating, but it was a boat, and it was Loch Ness, so I was happy, and off we went.

We were supposed to have an hour on the loch in this little boat, but within ten minutes I was feeling unwell. I told my friend, who asked why I didn't mention I suffered from seasickness, we could have picked up some tablets beforehand. I told him that I never had before. A few minutes later I decided that I just couldn't keep going, I felt awful, so we asked for the boat to be turned around. Immediately I began to feel better, so I apologised and said that I had changed my mind, and we could carry on after all. Well, I'm sure you can guess already that as soon as we started to head back out again I started feeling ill again. That time I decided enough was enough and we headed back to shore, we probably only spent about 20 minutes in total on the loch.

As soon as I got off that boat I was fine, and I was fine for the rest of my holiday, although we decided to give the trip to the Moray Firth a miss after that, I didn't like the idea of another boat trip so soon.

Antisocial behaviour...

2009-04-19T22:01:00.002+01:00

I know I've been a little antisocial this last week. It's been one of those weeks where I've just not had much to say for myself. I've been nowhere and done nothing, and I've been feeling a little sorry for myself. I've not even had anything worth tweeting, never mind blogging about.

I have been reading everyone's blogs and tweets though. Sorry I've not left many comments. I've been feeling much more like observing than participating.

Hoping my mood will pick up this week with the kids going back to school and the return of a somewhat normal routine - much as I love having the girls around, I've really not enjoyed much of the holidays.

2009-04-14T12:28:00.003+01:00

I saw this on Robert's blog - My Wife Has Agoraphobia! and thought I'd give it a go.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Stability	\|\|\|\|	18%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|	16%
Religious	\|\|	10%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Narcissism	\|\|	10%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|	16%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|	16%
Humanitarian	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|	16%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|	16%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Individuality	\|\|	10%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Family drive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|	16%
Honor	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Thriftiness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

Yep, seems pretty accurate to me, though perhaps not very flattering. I guess I have a lot more to work on than just agoraphobia. My only quibble is with the histrionic result, 76% seems a little high to me. I know I can be a little attention seeking at times, but I didn't think I was that bad!

2009-04-14T00:13:00.003+01:00

Since my last post was more than a little negative, I just wanted to take a minute to post something a little more positive. The red lines on the map show where I can walk to at the moment. Not always comfortably, but I can do it, and hopefully the comfort will come in time. I didn't actually realise until I looked at this just how far I could go, but it's actually a pretty big chunk of the island. Actually not too bad since just over a month ago I couldn't even walk around the block, so I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for a change and stop being so negative!

ETA: I just used the word actually three times in the space of two sentences... need to work on expanding my vocabulary! LOL

2009-04-12T20:45:00.006+01:00

This last week has really flown by, although I'm not really sure why, I've not really done much. I'm going to start with the positive, although there's not really been that much of it this week unfortunately.

Wednesday was a good day. No, scratch that, Wednesday was a great day! We went out for the usual walk in the morning, and we made it up to the community centre. Not the best picture, but here it is anyway...

So, I should be able to get Evie to her party next week, fingers crossed. Not content enough with just one success for the day, I decided to get straight back out and take the kids to the park for a bit.

Not the first time I've taken them to the park recently, but usually we just stay for a couple of minutes, and I'm quick to rush them back home again. This time I was feeling pretty relaxed so I took a book along to read and let them play for about 15 minutes or so.

Unfortunately it's kind of gone downhill from here. School days give my day at least some structure. I have to be up early to get the girls to school, and the last couple of weeks I've been working on adding a little more routine to the day which has been going fairly well. But I don't do so well at weekends, and the holidays are like one big, long, never ending weekend. I really tried to keep my routine going, despite the holidays, but it's been an uphill struggle each day. I've been going to bed later at night, getting up later in the morning, taking longer to get us all ready to go, walking less, doing less housework - it's just not going as planned. On Thursday I even stayed in my pyjamas all day until almost tea time when I realised that I really needed to get to the shop. This is not good. I need order, I need routine, and when I stray from that I very quickly start to feel sorry for myself and fall into my old, lazy habits.

And now I'm ill. I woke up today with a nasty headache. A cup of coffee soon sorted that out, but I still didn't feel well. I put it down to anxiety at first, but as the morning went on I realised that it was more than that. It could be the beginnings of a cold, or possibly something a little nastier, I'm not sure yet. I've felt awful all day today. I almost didn't make it to my mum's for dinner, but in the end I figured I might as well go and at least have some company rather than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself alone.

I really, really hope it's just a cold, because I know what I'm like with colds - I feel awful the first day and then I'm fine after that. But I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to wake up tomorrow moring feeling even worse than today, and I so wanted to try to get my routine back on track.

2009-04-04T19:54:00.005+01:00

I got off to a bit of a slow start this week. With the ex getting in touch last Sunday, I spent the next couple of days in a somewhat dazed and confused state. Having thought that I was totally over the guy, I was surprised to find how overwhelmed I was by his sudden reappearance. I soon recovered though, having realised that it's most likely going to go nowhere. He might surprise me, but at the moment I'm still taking everything he says to me with a very large pinch of salt.

The rest of the week has gone really well though. I seem to have finally settled into a bit of a routine, and it really makes all the difference to my mood. Or maybe the routine is because I'm in a better mood? Either way, it's definitely a good thing.

I've mostly been getting out for a little walk at least twice a day. Just round the block in the morning - surprisingly I'm still struggling a bit with that, but I keep plodding on anyway. Then after lunch I try to find some excuse to head to the shop. I've had to change the morning walk now though. Evie's been invited to a party at the local community centre a few blocks away in a little over two weeks. Since no one will be available to take her for me, and I don't want her to miss out yet again because of me, I'm determined to be able to make the journey to at least drop her off. My mum should be available to pick her up for me if I really need her to, but hopefully it won't come to that.

Thursday was a big day for me. Evie had an assembly in the morning which was lovely, all the kids were so cute! But the seating was arranged differently to the way they usually do it for assembly, which meant that I was pretty much cut off from the exit. I could have gotten out if I really wanted to, but I'd have had to walk right in front of everyone to do it. It only took about 15 minutes, but it was a tough one to stick out, and I was the first out the door the moment I got the chance!

Then Thursday afternoon, after school, was the easter egg hunt. Paige went off with the rest of the juniors and some teachers to do her hunt at a local park, but the infants had to have a parent with them. Luckily my sister and nephew came along, so I knew I could escape and leave Evie with my sister if I needed to, but it turned out I didn't. There was one slightly anxious moment when one of the clues lead right to the far end of the (very crowded) school garden, so I let my sister take over for just that one, but apart from that I was fine. In fact, we spent about an hour in total running around the school yard and garden looking for clues, and then waiting for the easter bunny to make an appearance! The kids had a fantastic time, and I have to admit it felt really good to just be a 'normal mum' for a change.

The house, while far from perfect, is looking much tidier than it has in a long time. I can't believe how much I've gotten done this week, and how little time it seems to have taken. Last week, my mum came to visit and declared that my front window looked disgraceful - and to be fair, she was right. So she came in, washed my net and cleaned my window. I would have helped, but she wouldn't let me. In fact, her face actually lit up at the idea of cleaning such a grubby net curtain, kind of reminded me of Monica from Friends! When she comes to visit tomorrow, I think she'll have a pleasant surprise when she sees how much effort I've made this week.

Even today, being not just Saturday, but also the start of the school holidays, hasn't brought on my usual weekend 'lazy mode'. We were all dressed at a reasonable time, which makes a change from my usual attitude of 'let's not bother getting dressed, we're not going anywhere' - an attidtude that doesn't do any of us any good, of course. We went for a quick walk, pushing forwards towards the community centre, getting about halfway there so far. Then I got on with some housework while the girls tidied their bedrooms and made a list of activities they'd like to do during the holidays. Today it was decided that we would make some easter cakes, so after a quick trip to the shops, we set about making pink fairy cakes, with pink icing and mini eggs on top!

Spring 2005 - English class

2009-03-29T07:30:00.003+01:00

Considering I was a 24 year old single mother, struggling to raise two very young children (three and one at the time) life was pretty good.

I was in college full time, doing an access to nursing course, I was getting good grades and looking forward to going on to do a midwifery degree in Cardiff University. I was also in a very happy relationship, though long distance, with a guy who I was absolutely crazy about. I was the happiest I had been in years. I hadn't reached my goals yet, but I was heading in the right direction, my future was mapped out.

I had an assignment for my english class, to write a persuasive essay on a topic of my choice. What made this assignment stand out was that it was to be an oral assesment - I would have to read it in front of the class. The prospect didn't exactly fill me with joy, but I wasn't dreading it either. It was a small class, maybe 20 or so mature students, and everyone was very friendly. Plus I was fairly pleased with what I had written, I had chosen a subject close to my heart, and put a lot of effort into it.

So the day came when we had to read our essays. The tutor, instead of calling our names, asked for volunteers. I held back, not wanting to be the first. One by one my friends got up and read, and I kept thinking 'Just one more, I'll go after this one'. I don't remember feeling particularly nervous, or anxious, but still something was holding me back. Before I knew it everyone had read their essays, and it was just me left. The tutor looked at me and suddenly, from nowhere, the tears came. I was a blubbering mess and nothing was going to persuade me to stand up and read my essay. All I wanted to do was run out of the room, pick up my kids and go home. It was only after the rest of the class were sent for a coffee/cigarette break, that I was eventually able to read what I had written just to the tutor.

Another map...

2009-03-25T23:23:00.003Z

Just to show where I'm at so far. Point (B) is home, point (C) is the local shop. That's pretty much all I can manage at the moment, and almost the smallest my safe zone has ever been. Definitely time to start pushing those boundaries!

2009-03-25T22:53:00.002Z

I finally made it to the doctor's for my sicknote today. The map above shows the route from my house (A) do the surgery (B). According to Google maps it's about 1.5 miles and takes about eight minutes by car, or 28 minutes to walk. Not surprising I couldn't make the journey by myself. Still, sorted now, so I can finally get my benefits sorted. Of course, I'll still have their medical assessment to come at some point, but I'll worry about that some other time...

Haven't written for a while because I didn't have the best of weeks last week. Was feeling kind of down, not really sure why, lots of stuff getting on top of me I guess. Anyway, there was enough negativity in my last post, I'd rather post positive stuff if I can.

I'm having a much better week so far this week. I've been making an effort to make sure I get out every day. Still not quite as much as I should, or would like to, but it's a lot more than I was doing just a few weeks ago before the ex left. Have had a couple of walks round the block, and to the shop. Still not comfortable, but they get easier each time, so feeling confident that I'll be able to start pushing the boundaries soon - two blocks, yay! I went into the school for the kids open afternoon yesterday. I was dreading it, and almost didn't go in at all, but in the end it was pretty easy. I stayed for an hour, half an hour in each of their classrooms, so I'm pretty pleased with that. Evie has an assembly next week, so I'll be back in again for that. I went to my mum's on Sunday for mother's day. Her house is about two miles away, but got there fairly easily in the car. And then there was visit to the doctor this afternoon which was much easier than I expected. I was so relaxed, I even walked down to the shop on the next block to get a drink. Not far away really, but I literally haven't walked down that street in years so I never thought I would be able to manage that.

So, a fantastic start to the week, just hope I can keep up all this good work!

Anger

2009-03-14T19:14:00.002Z

Apologies in advance for the rant... Just feeling angry at the world today

Angry at my ex for walking out on me and the kids so easily. I realise it was me that made the decision for him to leave, but he didn't even put up a fight. It took me months of agonising to finally decide it was for the best, and he walked out the next day like it was the easiest thing in the world. Ten days later and they've had just one phone call, and that was a day later than he promised because he 'forgot' to call them the day after he left. How exactly does someone forget to call his kids the day after he walks out on them?

Angry at my 'friends' for not being a part of my life now that I'm agoraphobic. I've known them all for years but don't see them now for months at a time. Trying to organise an Ann Summers party for next weekend, thought my break up was an ideal excuse for a long overdue get together but all the rsvp's so far are all maybes. Lets be honest, that basically means that they probably won't come because my party's the backup, they're just waiting for the better offer before they let me down. I might as well just cancel now and be done with it.

Angry at one of my few remaining friends who I actually have any contact with because he has chosen my break up as a good time to confess that he's in love with me. I don't feel the same, I've never seen him as anything more than a friend and his revalation hasn't changed that. I've been as gentle, but as honest with him as I can, but he insists on reminding me of his feelings constantly. So now I'm not just dealing with a break up, but facing a guilt trip every time I speak to one of the few people I thought would actually be there for me when I needed a friend.

Angry with the doctor for causing me so much stress this week over a bloody sick note!

Angry with myself for going back into 'lazy mode' again this weekend. Have done pretty much nothing for the last two days.

Angry with myself for letting anxiety win, every day, for the last three years. It has stolen my life and I want it back, and yet I do nothing but sit here and accept it. It's like a bully who keeps knocking me down, and I'm too afraid to stand up for myself.

Apologies again for the rant. I know my problems are trivial compared to some. I just don't really have anyone to turn to at the moment, and needed to get this stuff off my chest instead of bottling it up. Have to admit, I do feel a little better now.

2009-03-11T12:50:00.003Z

Just a quick update about the doctor situation. Didn't manage to get through to them yesterday afternoon, for some reason no one was picking up at all. Luckily though, I've spoken to my mum and she said she needs to get to the doctor's next week, so will be working through her lunchbreak and finishing early one day. So all I need to do now is call that morning and make and appointment for both of us and she'll take me over that afternoon. Problem solved - although I'm still not happy about the way it's been dealt with by the surgery.

Just been for a little walk around the block. The same walk I did last Thursday (with no anxiety) but I haven't done it since. For some reason, I found it much harder today. For some reason it's been niggling at the back of my mind all week. I just haven't been able to get it off my mind that it was too easy last time, and it's bound to be harder next time. Totally illogical, I know but that's the wierd way my anxious mind works. Of course, thinking it would be harder made it so. I'm going to really try now to walk around the block now at least once a day. I know from experience that it will get easier with time, but I think it's going to be a struggle for a while after today.

2009-03-10T12:35:00.002Z

I've changed the name of the blog. I didn't set out to write a blog about agoraphobia, but that's very quickly what it's become, so the new name reflects that. Also, now I'm alone, I can't really refer to myself as a housewife anymore!

I haven't really had the best few days. Friday was fantastic, made it to the shop, and even took the kids to the park around the corner after school for a little while and did an extra school run with my sister to pick up my nephew just for an excuse to get out.

Then the weekend arrived and with it I slipped right back into 'lazy mode'. I had late nights, got up late, didn't get dressed, didn't do any housework, didn't leave the house. It was stupid of me, and I'm really frustrated with myself for doing that. I basically spent the whole weekend feeling miserable and guilty.

Yesterday wasn't much better, although I'm struggling to remember details right now. I have some trouble with short term memory sometimes. I know I didn't get out apart from the school runs, but I really don't remember what I did fill my time with!

Today on the other hand, has been a totally different story. I've done the laundry, which is still the only housework I'm focusing on at the moment. I've been out to the post box already, and I'm planning on going out at least once more to go to the shop, hopefully more than that. And I've been on the phone half the morning trying to sort out various benefits etc. Calling strangers is something I find particularly difficult, so I'm quite pleased I've managed so many calls this morning.

Unfortunately, this has led to more problems...

Last week I made a claim for employment and support allowance. This is a new version of incapacity benefit. When I called them they told me I would need to get a certificate from the doctor. After being on the phone to the benefit office for about an hour I was feeling pretty drained, so I've been putting off making the call to the doctor, and the other calls I needed to make, until today.

So I called today and asked for a phone consultation with the doctor. But it's the practice nurse who calls me back. She has no idea what certificate I'm talking about. Neither do I. All I was told was get a certificate from the doctor. Sounds pretty simple to me, so I'm not sure what she's confused about. Anyway, she says that she will talk to the doctor and call me back. When she calls back, she tells me that the doctor can't issue a certificate without seeing me in person. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. I've always been able to get to the doctor's in the past because my mum, who was working part time, would take me on her days off. Unfortunately, my mum just started a new full time job, so she's not available to take me to the doctor's any more. But the doctor won't come to the house, because I'm not physically sick, so in his mind I'm perfectly capable of coming to the office.

So now I'm just feeling incredibly frustrated and I don't know what to do. I physically can't get to the doctor's office, it's too far to walk, and my mum is the only person I trust to drive me anywhere because if I panic in my mum's car it doesn't phase her, she just talks me through it and helps me to calm down. I can't even imagine how terrified I would be about getting in a taxi, never mind how mortified I would be if I had a panic attack. But if I can't get to the doctor, and the doctor won't come to me, I can't get my sick note, which means that I have no money at all to live on and I have two children to look after! I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall here...

It's the little things that count

2009-03-05T14:04:00.002Z

I just walked around the block! A little thing that most people take for granted, I know, but I haven't left the house alone for months except to do the school runs - and the school's pretty much just across the road.

It's only been a couple of days since he left, but I can feel my mood lifting already and I'm feeling more motivated. Day after day, week after week, month after month, I would sit in front of the computer. I had little interest in anything except playing my games. I knew that I should be getting up and being active, but I just felt so lost and overwhelmed with everything.

But already I feel different, like a huge weight has been lifted and suddenly I can see myself again. For the last two days I have made my bed first thing in the morning. I haven't been able to do that for such a long time, because there was always someone in it (not me) until the middle of the afternoon. I'm still spending more time at the computer than I should, but after a short time, I'm feeling restless and looking for something more constructive to do - hence the walk!

That walk felt fantastic! The plan was to walk to the corner of my block, and back again. Having not done anything for ages, I honestly didn't expect to get more than halfway, but there was no anxiety at all. So I turned the corner, planning to walk to the next corner and then turn back. Still no anxiety! I considered popping into the local shop at this point, since I was very close to it, but then I realised that I hadn't picked up my purse, so I just decided to go for it and finish walking right around the block. The whole walk only took me six minutes, but a six minute walk, anxiety free, would have been impossible just a few days ago.

Total change of subject... going to start putting the to-do lists on a separate blog. They're not really very interesting to anyone but me, but I still want to carry on tracking my progress.

Thursday's to-do list

2009-03-05T10:38:00.003Z

Ok, done feeling sorry for myself, time to get the ball rolling again! Still working on laundry.

~~Dry yesterday's load~~
Wash a load
Put away yesterday's load
Dry today's load
Iron for 30 mins

And then there were three...

2009-03-04T09:57:00.002Z

So he is gone. I thought it would take longer, that he would dig in his heels and refuse to leave, but he packed up all his stuff and left about 8pm last night. It was harder than I expected to say goodbye. On Monday night, after the argument when I called it all off, I was angry. By the time he left I had forgiven him for the things that he had said, but I knew that ending it was still the right thing to do, so I let him go.

The kids are doing fine, for now at least. They haven't gotten upset or cried yet, but they have told me that they will miss him. He has gone to stay with a friend, about 300 miles away, and they won't see him now for months. I knew he would do this, there was no way he was going to stay local, this place has never really been home for him. I guess that's why I held on for as long as I did though. Things haven't been working for so long, but I wanted him to be a part of their lives.

Things will be better now. I know that I have made the right decision for me and the girls. They will have a happier mummy now and I can be more focused on the things that really matter. Things may be hard for a little while as we adjust to our new lives, but we can look forward to a brighter future.

Might be awol for a little while...

2009-03-03T05:59:00.003Z

Things are not great here. Have had a huge row with the other half. Don't want to go into too much detail here but it's been on the cards for a long while and it all came to a head last night. Looks like the end for us.

Will try to keep up with what little routine I've built up so far, but may not be posting progress for a while. On the other hand, I may throw myself into it.

I'm not too upset, I knew this was coming, and it's a good thing. But I think it's going to take a while to adjust to being on my own again...

Monday's to-do list

2009-03-02T12:18:00.007Z

Playing catch up today, since I had a lazy day yesterday - pretty cross at myself for that. Still, Monday today, new week new start. A bit slow off the mark today because my sister's been here all morning.

~~Put away Saturday's load~~
~~Dry yesterday's load~~
~~Ironing for 30 minutes~~

Ironing in bold because I really need to get some done today!

Sunday's to-do list

2009-03-01T11:13:00.002Z

~~Wash a load of laundry~~
Put away yesterday's load
Dry today's load
Ironing for half an hour

Dydd gwyl dewi hapus!

2009-03-01T10:49:00.005Z

Ooops, that's a big flag! Will work out how to make it smaller later...

Anyhow, for anyone who doesn't read welsh, the title says 'happy Saint David's day', which is today. I wasn't quite sure what Saint David was actually famous for until today. Despite our flag, he certainly didn't go slaying any dragons like Saint George. Apparently, he was responsible for bringing christianity to pagan celtic tribes, and also performed some miracles such as making a hill rise beneath him one day when people in the back of a crowd were unable to see or hear him!

But for us, Saint David's day is just an excuse for the girls to dress up in cute little costumes:

And also for us to be proud to be Welsh, but then we're proud to be Welsh all year round... ;)

Saturday's to-do list

2009-02-28T13:29:00.004Z

Starting a bit late today, silly me was up half the night downloading digital scrapbooking goodies... Still, no rest for the wicked!

~~Wash a load of laundry~~
~~Put away yesterday's load~~
~~Dry today's load~~
Ironing for 30 mins

Slowly working through that laundry basket, though the ironing pile's not looking any smaller yet!

New hobby!

2009-02-28T12:57:00.006Z

Ok, as if I really need any more distractions right now...

A few years ago, I was really into card making, though it turned out to be quite an expensive hobby. No trip to town was complete without a look in the local craft shop, and then of course there was the online shops. I couldn't really afford to keep it up. And then my other half moved back in, and 'borrowed' my craft table (a little folding picnic table) as a temporary desk for his computer. More than a year later, he's still using it, so that was pretty much the end of that.

I was interested in trying scrapbooking for a while, a natural progression from card making, but there were the same costs involved, and I still didn't have my craft table back so I decided to give it a miss.

Yesterday though, I stumbled upon a site about digital scrapbooking, and it sounds perfect for me! It's just like normal scrapbooking, but you can download images for background papers, embellishments, fonts etc.(you can get loads of stuff for free) put it all together in an imaging program like photoshop, add your photos and voilà - instant scrapbook page! The potential for high cost is there. There are lots of gorgeous kits available to buy, and of course, if you want to print your creations it will cost you quite a bit, but for now at least I'm happy with sharing my pages online and creating them with whatever freebies I can find.

So here's my first attempt from last night. I know the photo in the middle doesn't look too good. It was only when I tried to add it I realised that it wasn't the same size as the others and now it looks quite stretched. Still, I wanted to add it because it was the only one I had of them together in those outfits, and I figured it doesn't really matter on a test run. Something to think about in the future though.

Friday's to-do list

2009-02-27T07:39:00.005Z

Same as yesterday...

~~Wash a load of laundry~~
~~Put away yesterday's load~~
~~Dry today's load~~
~~Iron for 30 minutes~~

Oh dear...

2009-02-27T07:27:00.002Z

Well, I didn't quite get done with my to-do list yesterday. Several reasons...

I discovered that the scart lead for the freeview box is broken. Having planned to watch TV while I ironed, this kind of put a spanner in the works. Not a big deal really, I know, but I did say that I thrive on order and routine. When things don't quite go to plan it really throws me off. So today I have something lined up to listen to instead of watch.

Also, I got caught up reading Lynn's blog. I only discovered it yesterday, and I have to say that I find her a true inspiration. Lynn is writing about recovering from agoraphobia, something I have suffered from myself for three years, and her story really gives me hope that it is possible to get well again.

I know some people reading this would probably think that the agoraphobia should be a more pressing issue in my life than housework, but it's about control. If I can regain some control over the clutter in my house, something I've never managed to do before, then I can regain some control over my mind.

Ok, I'm rambling now, time to go start the day, will post a to-do list in a minute.

Thursday's to-do list

2009-02-26T13:50:00.005Z

Ok, so I know this list won't be very big to start with, but writing it daily anyway, and making it public will help me to make sure I get it done. Starting with the laundry because, lets be honest, who can funcion on a daily basis without clean clothes?!

~~Wash a load of laundry~~
~~Sort and put away yesterday's load~~
~~Dry today's load~~
Iron for half an hour (hopefully this way it won't take me too long to clear the backlog)

Extras (stuff that I did that wasn't on the to-do list)

Wash dishes

Not much, but hey, it's a start :)

Intro

2009-02-26T10:42:00.004Z

Bree Hodge (formally Van de Kamp) is my heroine. A vision of perfection and a domestic godess. Home always spotlessly clean, fantastic cook and hostess, hair, clothes and make-up always immaculate - she certainly knows what it takes to be the ideal housewife.

Many women will probably laugh at this. After all, this is the 21st century and these days, we can have it all. But the trouble is, I never wanted it all...

I've never really known what I wanted to do with my life, never had a career plan. All I was ever certain of was that I wanted to have a family. I've achieved that, with my two beautiful girls, they're perfect. But the question is, now what? I look at women like Bree, and I realise that that's exactly what I want. Trouble is, I'm not very good at it...

That's me in the picture above! Ok, so not really, but for anyone who doesn't know the picture is of Franny, taken from Flylady's website. Franny is living in CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome) and she doesn't know where to start. Well, that's where I am right now. But I'm on a mission to change.

I thrive on order and routine, when I don't have them I often feel depressed and anxious. Cluttered house = cluttered mind! My problem is, I don't have the motivation and dicipline to stick to these things... I'm far too easily distracted by more enjoyable persuits like surfing the net and playing computer games!

I've tried many different routines to kick start me in the past, but I always end up burnt out by the end of the first week. Why? Because I try to take on too much at once. So this time I'm taking a different approach - one thing at a time.

So, each day I'm going to give myself a to-do list. I'll start with just one thing - laundry. One load a day. When I feel that's become a habit, I'll add something else. Hopefully, over time, I'll be able to build up to a point where I can be a rival to Bree!

Stepping out of the box

In mourning

Psychic?

Meme

Major update time!

Avenue Q!

Time to conquer the school run!

Falling apart

Like a yoyo

Feeling a little more human

Struggling again…

The Baby

Project Life

Indecision

Mark

Magical mystery tour

A long overdue update…

I have a date!

Some music :)

Busy, busy, busy!

So this is what normal feels like?

Long walk today!

Frustration

Out and about again

Belated birthday post

Look where I’ve been!

Hypoglycemia

I’m back!

Offline for a bit

Paranoid?

Happy birthday sexy cakes At least I get to say it in person to this time :) Love ya loads Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

New meds – Week one

Tuesday – Day one

Wednesday – Day two

9:30am

11.20am

8:00pm

Thursday – Day three

8:55pm

Saturday – Day five

9:10am

2:15pm

5:55pm

Sunday – Day six

8:30am

Monday – Day seven

3:30am

12:50pm

Walking journal #5

Monday – am

Tuesday – am

Wednesday – am

More adventures! – Part 2

More adventures! – Part 1

New blog – project 365

Busy day

Walking journal #4

Thursday, 25th June – am

Thursday, 25th June – pm

Friday, 26th June – am

Friday, 26th June – pm

Saturday, 27th June – am

Saturday, 27th June – pm

Walking journal #3

Thursday, 18th June – am

Tuesday, 23rd June – am

Wednesday, 24th June – pm

Bullies

Walking journal #2

Friday, 5th June – am

Wednesday, 10th June – am

Wednesday, 10th June – pm

Thursday, 11th June – am

Monday, 15th June – am

Adventures!

Walking journal

Walking journal #1

Wednesday, 3rd June - am

Wednesday, 3rd June – pm

Thursday, 4th June - am

Happy birthday sexy cakes
At least I get to say it in person to this time :)
Love ya loads
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx